


I Was Human

by Impickingtheusername



Category: Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Genre: AU, After the Island (Lord of the Flies), Alcohol, Anxiety, Bad Poetry, Blood, Camping, Depression, Drinking, F/F, F/M, Future Fic, Gen, Hallucinations, Hiking, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Modern AU, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Post-Canon, Post-Lord of the Flies, Schizophrenia, Shipping, This is the Steven Universe: Future of LOTF, Triggers, Unrequited Love, hozier karaoke, outdoor activities and suffering, paranoid schizophrenia, purposeful triggering, teased Jalph, yeah this is not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-02-19 02:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22804129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impickingtheusername/pseuds/Impickingtheusername
Summary: After being kicked out of college, Ralph moves to America to work at a storage unit facility with his cousin. His new life takes a turn when he discovers that Jack Merridew is one of the tenants. His suspicious behavior and the disappearance of a boy with a birthmark on his face leads Ralph to conclude that Jack is hiding something in his storage unit. He must confront Jack, joining his little "tribe" of locals, and get the information he needs to keep Jack from hurting anyone again. But, spending time with Jack just might kill Ralph first.This is a post-canon modern AU where the events of LOTF took place in 2010 and the current story takes place in 2020. There's a lot of psychological stuff in here, so if you're sensitive to that, you have been warned. The title was inspired by the 1958 novel, "Ningen Shikkaku" by Osamu Dazai which can be translated as "No Longer Human" or "I Was Human."
Relationships: Jack Merridew & Ralph, Jack Merridew/Ralph
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Ralph that he hadn’t thought about the island yesterday. He stood there, feeling the cool winter air splash against his cheek, searching through hazy memories of the prior day. Did he think about it when he sat in bed that morning? Did he think about it as he pretended to listen to his advisor? Did he think about it on the walk back to his dorm?

No matter how much he recalled, he couldn’t think of a moment that he had considered the island. The realization should have made him happy. It didn’t.

“So this is it?”

The world outside the island still existed. There were dead leaves on the ground below his feet, soaked by the rain from earlier. He turned to look behind him where Josh stood.

The man was a couple inches taller than him, his curly black hair hiding his ears and forehead. He was the closest thing that Ralph had to a friend here. While Ralph’s unwillingness to text back and constant rejection to invitations of social outings managed to deter even the most determined of his college acquaintances, Josh remained. Ralph supposed this was due to the fact that they were in the same degree program and thus had the same classes. Ralph never asked, but Josh always walked back to the dorm with him, rattling on about whatever project he had been working on.

Now, Josh was staring at the ground, shoulders raised ever so slightly as he proposed his question. Then, he looked up at Ralph with worried features under a pair of thin-framed glasses. “Well?”

“What?” Ralph asked.

“This is it, right?” Josh asked. “The last time I walk you home.”

“Oh,” Ralph said. He looked over to the concrete steps that lead to his dorm. “I suppose.”

Josh pushed his hands into the pockets of his jacket. He bought the jacket a couple semesters ago and Ralph hadn’t seen him without it once since then. Even in the summer. “I suppose.”

Another breeze passed through the sidewalk. It pulled back at Ralph’s dusty blonde hair, which he kept short. Perfectly even. One of his feet was pointed at the door, unsure why Josh hadn’t simply said his goodbyes like always and left Ralph to walk in by himself.

Josh pulled something out of one of his jacket pockets. Ralph’s breath quickened, but it was only a little white piece of paper. Josh’s hands shook as he unfolded it. “I, um, I wrote you a letter.”

“Okay,” was all that Ralph said. His face remained unchanged as he watched Josh fumble with the note until it was completely straightened out.

Josh cleared his throat and began to read. “Dear Ralph. Over the past three years, I feel the two of us have become really good friends. I’m really grateful for the time that we have spent together and would like to continue hanging out in the future. I know you’re quite busy, so it’s okay if we can’t hang out much. I just wanted to thank you for being a good friend. Um,” he trailed off a bit, his fingers pinching the sides of the paper.

Ralph frowned.

“Sorry, I get a little rambly here. Anyways, I want you to know that even I’m always here to talk if you like. I can tell that something’s bothered you for a while now. I just never got the courage to ask before. You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted to tell you that I’m here for you.” Josh lowered the note. He didn’t meet Ralph’s eyes again as he folded it up and shoved his hands back in his pocket.

“That’s all?” Ralph asked, still unfazed.

“Oh, um, yeah,” Josh said.

“Okay,” Ralph said. He looked at the door, then back at Josh. “Well, you have my number.”

“Yeah, but, you don’t really answer your phone,” Josh said. “I was hoping, maybe, we could figure out another way to communicate? You know, since you’re going off to America and it might be hard with the different time zones.”

Ralph sighed. He didn’t know why Josh was acting up over this. Ralph was already starting to forget what his face looked like. There was no way they were going to continue being friends after this. Best to let him down easy. “Sure. Yeah. I’ll text you about it.”

It was clear that Josh wanted to say more, but Ralph didn’t want to give him the chance. He started towards the stairs.

There was a crunch of leaves as Josh took a step forward. “It doesn’t have to be this way, you know? You could just talk to me!” he said.

Ralph stopped. He had reached the door by now. All it would take is one turn of the doorknob and he would never have to speak to Josh again. Still, Ralph looked back at Josh, not giving him so much as a raised eyebrow.

In the distance, he could have sworn he heard the faint whine of a horse.

Ralph titled his head a bit. “Your glasses are crooked.” And with that, he stepped inside the dorm.

### 

“Sucks about college, though, huh?” Lydia said.

They sat in her car, which was filthy, going about twenty miles above the speed limit as she barreled down a US highway. They had been driving for what felt like hours through hills and forests and yet they were still nowhere near their destination.

Ralph sat, staring out the window. He didn’t know what made Lydia decide to turn down the music and bring up the reason for his sudden move. He didn’t really want to talk about it, but he felt like he owed her the company. “Yeah.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Lydia said. “I dropped out of college, and look at me!”

25, single, and working at a storage facility. Truly the height of mankind. Besides, ‘dropped out’ and ‘kicked out’ were two very different things.

“Thanks for offering to let me stay with you,” he said.

“Aw, no prob. Anything for my baby cousin,” she said. She flashed him a wide grin that showed off the gap in between her front teeth. Her skin was tan, but it was patchy and pale where her clothes rubbed against her. Her hair was naturally dirty blonde, but she had dyed it a white-yellow shade that Ralph always considered to be ugly.

“I don’t quite consider being three years younger as qualifying as a baby,” he said.

“I don’t quite consider,” she said, mocking his thick British accent. Hers had faded after years of living in the states, but he could still hear it a bit. “Come on, dude, lighten up. I haven’t seen you in forever.”

He glanced at the floor. He kept his feet pinned to the side, away from the greasy bags of fast food that had been sitting in her car for who knows how long. “I’ve just been busy.” The excuse came so easily. Practice made perfect when it came to lying.

“Well, prepare to never be busy again for the foreseeable future,” she said. “Because this job is fucking boring.” She drew out the ‘boring’ to emphasize her point.

“Job?” he asked.

“Oh, yeah, did I not mention?” she asked, her eyes getting that mischievous glint that he’d seen her wear so many times in their childhood. “You know how I’ve been working at this storage unit place?”

He nodded.

“Well, I was thinking about cutting back my hours since my Instagram is #takingoff, and I’ve got more pocket cash now,” she said, saying the ‘hashtag’ out loud, much to his annoyance. “So I was talking to my boss about it and he’s like, ‘well who’s gonna work the afternoons if you just do the morning.’ That’s when I had a brilliant idea. Can you guess?”

He studied her face. “You got me a job?”

“Uh-huh,” she said. “You start in two days. I figured that would give you plenty of time to get settled in since you’re so good at adapting.”

‘Good at adapting’ was definitely a weird way to put it. Ralph didn’t know how much Lydia knew about the island. Their discovery made national news, but Ralph never said anything to the reporters. In fact, he didn’t really say anything to anyone. Once he reached the point of being mentally stable again, he tried his best to ignore the whole thing. It didn’t work, but he could at least pretend.

His aunt had been happy to put the whole affair behind them. The news circuit moved on quickly and no one mentioned the little tribe of boys they found on a deserted island anymore. He didn’t see Lydia much after that, as her family wasn’t on his aunt’s side of the family.

“It’s a simple job, really,” she continued. “You basically just sit at a computer and pray that no one shows up. When a customer does come in, which mind you can be hours apart, you just take them through the motions and then they leave. It might take a bit to get used to the system, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“Okay,” he said. He returned to looking out the window.

Lydia took this as a sign that their conversation had ended. She reached over, turned up the music, and they continued driving.

### 

_And now this is my life,_ he thought as he sat behind the receptionist desk. The lobby was far too big for the little storage unit place. One of the corners had piles of construction equipment from the crew that was building the new units. It was amazing to Ralph that a storage unit facility didn’t have anywhere better to store the junk than the front office, and yet, there it sat. Taunting him.

Lydia pointed to the screen of the computer in front of him. Her hair had fallen out in places from sitting at the desk all morning. The air was stale, but here at the desk, faint traces of her perfume still lingered in the air. “And you remember how to add new customers, right?”

“Yes, we really don’t need to go over it again,” Ralph said.

She had spent the whole morning ‘training’ him. He pretty much understood it all in the first hour, but she had insisted that she walk him through the process with every customer that walked through the glass doors.

She bit her lip, her gloss faded and the color smudged a bit at the edges. “You’re sure you’re ready?”

“I’ve got this,” he said. “You can head out.”

“Alright, alright,” she said. She grabbed her purse off the counter and pulled out her keys. She walked around the counter to the door. “I’ll be back at five to pick you up.”

He looked at the clock in the corner of the screen. It was 1:17. When he looked up again, Lydia was at the door.

She waved at him, the keys in her hand jiggling.

He waved back.

Then, the glass door shut behind her, the bell above jingling a bit. The whole wall was windows, allowing him a full view as she walked to her little silver car. The building was sat on top of a hill with the only other thing up here being a shopping mall that had been empty for years. He watched as her car drove down the hill and slipped onto the road beyond.

He continued starting. Vehicles drove back and forth. None of them turned into the storage unit place.

Ralph was beginning to wish he brought a book.

The minutes turned into hours. A few people came in. Most of them were returning customers with payments, but there was a couple that was new. He showed them around the facility, like Lydia showed him, and answered their questions. But, to be fair, he wasn’t much of a sales person. In the end, they said they would “think about it.”

There went his twenty dollar commission. 

He had already cleaned the floor several times, sweeping and mopping and then scrubbing at the tiny spots that were left. The whole place was a mess. He had to organize the desk, the cabinet full of cleaning supplies, and all the drawers. Even the little bank sack that they were supposed to keep the cash in was full of crumbled bills in a random order.

Once he was done with the physical, he moved to cleaning up the desktop. The last thing he did was check the internet. The homepage was set to one of those news sites for some reason. Not having much else to do, he started scrolling through. It was your classic clickbait with news about American politics that he didn’t bother keeping up with. However, as he scanned through article headlines, there was a photo that caught his eye.

A boy had gone missing. Recently. There were some details about him and worried statements from the parents. The boy looked fairly normal, tan skin, dark hair. But the detail that caught his eye was the birthmark. It was rather large and went across his nose, covering most of the center of his face. It wasn’t identical, but the image brought up memories about another boy with a birthmark.

It was one of those things he tried not to think about.

And yet, starting at this image, he couldn’t help but feel like he was back on the island - that first night when everything was still okay. He could practically taste the saltwater in his mouth. It made him want to puke.

He shut the window and looked out at the glass wall, begging for a customer to show up. Anything to take his mind off of the island. He glanced at the clock. 4:03.

The sun was beginning to set, casting the world outside in shades of pink and red. He used to love the sunset. Now, the creeping darkness reminded him of how alone he was. The workers building the new units had left hours ago. With no one in the storage units area and the shopping mall by the building being closed, he was the only one in the entire area.

He clicked through tabs on the computer until he brought up the security cameras - one of the place’s highlight features. From here, he could see everything with the night vision. There was a little timeline at the bottom of each camera roll. It lit up anytime there was activity on screen.

Out of curiosity, he began to look through the footage of the previous nights, looking for the little yellow bars that meant there was action. It ended up being a whole lot of nothing in every shade of grey. A car driving in the distance. Someone loading furniture into their truck. A moth that got a little too close to the lens.

By the time his shift was almost over, he had gotten through most of the footage from the past week. All that was left was the footage from one of the indoors unit cameras. He wasn’t expecting anything at this point. He clicked on the “3x” button and watched.

For a while, it was the same as before. But then, right around 2 am, when no one should really have any business using a storage unit, the door opened. Ralph sat straight up in his chair as he saw the blurry image of the man that stepped inside, a large, black bag slung over his shoulder.

He grabbed the mouse and clicked to enable color. The screen turned from black and white to the beiges and blues of the interior. He paused, zooming in on the man’s face. His hair was a dusty red shade. The area around his eyes were dark, allowing the blue to pierce through the screen. From the low quality of the camera, it was hard to identify the freckles, but Ralph knew they were there.

It couldn’t be. And yet, it was.

It was Jack Merridew.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph meets Lydia's friends and discovers they have friends of friends in common.

Ralph used to see the horse in real life. Now, the animal was confined to his dreams. Most of his sleeping time was blank - a black void that consumed his thoughts when he attempted to recall them. However, every now and then, he’d find himself back. Staring at a pale, white horse.

It would just be standing there, ocean waves lapping against its hooves. Its gaze would be an invitation to Ralph, an offer of escape. He would cling to its pearly hairs as it galloped away from the island. For a moment, Ralph was safe. But then, the warm fur would turn blindingly hot. The white mane would become white flames. Eventually, his perfect getaway would be ablaze. The black water that surrounded him offered him no safety from the heat.

A simple choice was placed in front of him: stay and burn, or leave and drown.

Sometimes, Ralph would choose the former option. He would cry out as the fire filled nostrils with smoke and melted the pale skin from his bone. Other times, he would choose the latter. His lungs would fill with cold liquid and send him choking to a watery death. Neither choice was optimal, but still, it had to be made. After that, it was just a prayer that he would wake up before suffering for too long.

Tonight, he chose the fire. His eyes still burned when he stirred awake to see Lydia standing over him. Her drawn-on eyebrows were withdrawn and her eyes had widened a bit. “Hey, Ralph. You okay?”

His room was a mess of empty water bottles and stray peanut-butter cracker wrappers. Seeing the plastic made his skin crawl, a wave of anxiety washing away the remaining coals of his dream. It made him want to curl back under the sheets of his lone mattress. He would take the scorching over the chaos.

For Lydia’s sake, he forced himself to sit up. His grey shirt had sweat stains on it, and his hair was a mess. Her question still demanded a response. He offered a nod.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said. “You just looked like you were dying.”

 _I was._ He thought. “It’s okay.” He glanced across the room to the clock that hung in the center of the wall. No, it was slightly off center. Just another thing he needed to fix. That is, when he found the courage to get up.

Right, the clock. The time read ‘4:48 pm.’ He cocked his head. “Do you not have work today?”

“Nah, dude. Barry takes the weekends,” she said.

Was it the weekend already? Ralph counted in his head. He had been in bed for four days. Not a new record by far, but still bad.

“Speaking of work…” she said, a sheepish look on her face as she took a step back from one of the water bottles that littered the floor.

He knew it was probably bad for the environment or something, but, for whatever reason, he couldn’t drink anything else. Tap water, sodas, teas, they all gave him terrible sore throats. It was psychological, he was sure of it. But knowing it’s in your head doesn’t make it feel any less real.

“It’s totally cool if you need to stay home and, um, you know, recover,” she continued. “Just, whenever you wanna get back to action, let me know.” She gave him a smile that tried to hide how worried she was. It didn’t work.

“Okay,” he said.

She held up her hands in a frantic motion. “Not that you need to any time soon. I’m totally down to keep covering your shifts. I mean, it’s basically just what I was doing before. My Insta followers can wait until you’re feeling better.”

“Thanks,” he said.

There was a moment where Lydia’s ‘totally cool’ attitude dropped and she looked at Ralph with genuine care. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He hung his head, staring down at one of the sections of carpet that didn’t have trash. She didn’t say anything when she found him locked in the bathroom at the end of his first day. She didn’t say anything the first time she knocked on his door and didn’t get an answer. She didn’t say anything before, so why now?

“I am feeling a bit better,” he said. He wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear. Tell her that he was fine and would be back to work as soon as possible - that this was just a weird sickness, probably first day nerves. But, every time he thought about going back to that empty place, he pictured Jack walking through the front door with his wild grin and savage eyes.

He couldn’t risk it.

Her eyes lit up at his statement. “Really?” she asked. She may have been grasping at straws, but at least that pitiful expression was gone.

“Um, yeah,” he said. He scratched the back of his neck. Now that he was thinking about it, his back really hurt. Perhaps lying on the ground with nothing but a decade old mattress and a cheap blanket for four days wasn’t the best idea. “I was thinking about getting out.”

Her smile grew. “Like, now? I was just about to head out to hang with some friends. They would totally die to meet you!”

He was beginning to suspect that her tell was the word ‘totally.’ “Sounds fun,” he said.

“Hell yeah it will be!” she said. She clapped her hands together. “I’ll let them know you’re coming with.” She turned to leave, but stopped in the doorway and turned her head back. “Oh, you might want to change clothes.”

He didn’t need to be told, but he nodded anyways.

And then he was alone again.

The music was loud and so were Lydia’s friends. They had been sitting in the booth of the little restaurant for about an hour. Ralph hated booths, but when they arrived, her friends were already sitting there and Lydia gestured for him to get in first, so he couldn’t really say anything.

The man in front of him was named Marco. His hair looked black in the light, but he insisted it was actually brown. He wore a black leather jacket over a plaid flannel that was over a white shirt, which was at least one layer too much for the indoors. Ralph didn’t know much about him. All he got was a name from Lydia before the other friend dominated the conversation.

Her name was Robin, although Lydia and Marco hadn’t called her anything but “Robbi” since her introduction. She was the “most popular girl in town” due to her claim of knowing every single person that came through here. Her hair was dyed pure white and was tied back in a loose bun. She wore several necklaces over her cropped, sky blue hoodie. When she talked, she waved around her hands, causing several close calls with the drinks.

Ralph hadn’t said much as the three friends laughed and conversed for the past hour. He ordered a beer because that’s what everyone else was getting, but he didn’t want to drink it. The brown liquid tasted like acid on his tongue.

“What about you, Ralph?” Robin asked, addressing him for the first time since they sat down. There was some mascara on her bottom lid that had missed her eyelashes. “You got someone special?”

“What?” he asked.

“Girlfriend, boyfriend,” she said. Then, her grin widened a bit. “Fuckbuddy?”

“Damn, Robbi,” Marco said. “Laying it on a bit, thick, huh?”

“What?” she asked, drawing out the word in a high pitched-voice like it was her solo. She waved at Marco. “I’m just being friendly.”

“Come on, he just got here,” Lydia said.

Robin put her elbow on the table and flicked a finger at Ralph. “Could be long-distance.” She started to do a fake British accent that was honestly embarrassing. “Anyone waiting for you over the pond?”

“No,” Ralph said flatly.

“So you’re single?” Robin asked.

“I suppose,” he said. “I don’t really concern myself with romantic affairs.”

“Here here,” Marco said.

Robin sat back in the booth and held open her arms like she was giving a hug to a giant bear. “Welcome to the singles club, my dude.”

Ralph looked between the two of them, then glanced at Lydia. “You’re all single?”

“Unfortunately,” Lydia said. She said in a comedic tone, but there was a weight behind it.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go home alone most nights if you catch my drift.” Robin winked at him. “But I’m not really about that relationship life. Marco is hopelessly bad at flirting and Lydia’s still hung up over her mystery girl.”

Ralph looked at Lydia who was blushing now. She stirred her martini and cleared her throat. “You know how it goes. She’s amazing, but she’s not into girls, so…”

“And she refuses to even say the girl’s name,” Robin said, shaking her head. “I’m gonna get you to tell me one day.”

“One day,” Lydia repeated.

“Oh,” Robin sat up straight. Her caramel eyes were fixed on Ralph again. “I’m curious. What’s the story behind that?” she pointed to her own cheek, just under her eye.

Ralph reached up absent-mindedly and felt where the skin bumped up a bit under his eye. The singer on whatever song was playing turned to vocalization. It was an unpleasant sound, like the woman was hitting notes at random. In fact, it sounded more like the neighing of a horse.

“I don’t really remember,” he said. It wasn’t really a lie.

Robin frowned. “Hell of a thing to forget.”

He wished he could.

“It looks like it was deep,” Marco said. He squinted at Ralph’s face.

There was a pause. They were waiting for him to elaborate, Ralph realized. He tried to formulate an answer, but thinking back brought him too close to dangerous memories. Bloody chests. Tangled hair. Still bodies.

“Oh my fuck, did you see Hallie’s new dog?” Robin jolted in her seat, unintentionally sparing Ralph.

He sat back in the booth while the three of them continued talking about whatever nonsense drama was going on at the time. His napkin was slightly crooked again, so he moved it, aligning the edges with the line of the table. The music was pounding in his ears, just the same whining noise over and over again.

This is why he hated booths. At the bar, or a table, he would just mumble an excuse and slip out. He could splash some water on his face in the bathroom or step outside for some fresh air. However, with Lydia taking the edge seat, departing would be much more noticeable. When you make a scene about leaving, people were more likely to expect you to come back at a reasonable time.

He tried to make himself as small as possible in the corner. There was a digital clock hanging on one of the walls - an accent wall as it was covered in fake bricks. It was ‘artistically’ placed off center and at a weird angle that drove Ralph mad, but he still stared.

Time passed torturously slow.

His attention was brought back to the conversation when Robin started drumming her hands on the table. “Yo!” she called to someone across the bar. “Jack! Hey! Over here!”

A prickle flowed through him, starting at his heart and infecting every inch of his body. Ralph froze. Jack was a common name, right?

Robin waved her hands in a large motion.

There was an approaching of footsteps. “Hey, Robbi. What’s up?” a voice said. Male, definitely, but a bit high-pitched and scruffy. Soon after, a man stepped in front of the booth. He had a mop of red hair and a face full of freckles. Ralph didn’t need to look long to recognize him. It was Jack Merridew.

Ralph sunk further into the booth, trying to hide behind Lydia. It was the second best thing to just bolting out of the place.

Robin’s wide smile was fixed on Jack. “Holy fuck, what are the odds?”

 _What are the odds indeed,_ Ralph thought with a sort of unspecific dread.

Robin looked between Marco and Jack. “Marco, you remember Jack, right?”

“Of course,” he said. He held up a hand in a sort of half-wave. “How’s it going?”

Jack stood with a confidence that told Ralph that he hadn’t bothered looking at the other side of the table yet. His hands were on his hips, his shoulders pushed back. “Going great. It’s cool to see you again.”

Robin turned her gaze on Lydia. “Lydia, this is Jack,” she said. She looked between the two of them. “Jack, Lydia. And…” she trailed off when she looked at Ralph. She pressed her lips together, puffing her cheeks full of air. 

Jack turned to examine the man in question. They locked eyes for a moment. Ralph could identify the exact moment that Jack realized who he was. Nothing about his demeanor changed, but there was a split second where his eyes looked a bit glossy and jerked between Ralph’s scar and the rest of features.

Robin let out the breath from her cheeks. “Don’t tell me…”

The second had passed. Jack’s spirit was unfettered. If anything, his grin looked even bigger. “Ralph,” he said.

The name hung in the air, the weight behind it calculating in the other’s brains. Lydia was the first to voice the connection. “You two know each other?”

Ralph reached out a shaking hand and grabbed his beer, desperate for anything to put between the two of them. He searched himself for a fraction of the confidence that Jack had. “Old friends.”

“More like old enemies,” Jack said. There was a bit of a laugh behind his voice, as if the two had simply fought over a girl in high school. He moved his hand in a circular motion. “But you know, bygones and all that.”

“This is so epic!” Robin said. “I love it when my friends are friends.”

Ralph gave her a look that attempted to communicate, ‘you literally forgot my name two seconds ago’ but Robin wasn’t looking at him anymore. She was transfixed on Jack.

“I didn’t know you had any American friends,” Lydia said. She spoke carefully, clearly having picked up on the discrepancy.

The others either didn’t hear her comment or didn’t care. Robin just kept talking. “Any updates on the next adventure?”

“I’ll shoot you a text when we get something together,” Jack said. He looked over at Marco. “Will you be joining us again?”

“I don’t know,” Marco said. “I just about died on the last hike.”

“Oh, oh, oh! Lydia!” Robin said, bouncing in her seat. She leaned over and put a hand on Lydia’s. “You have to join Jack’s tribe.”

Ralph thought he couldn’t be more freaked out. He had spent a decade trying to avoid that word. Pairing it with that man’s name…

“It’s super amazing,” Robin continued. “It’s like a - oh what did you call it -” she snapped her fingers glancing up at Jack, then back at Lydia. “Like an adventure club? We hike up to the top of the mountain - you’ve seen my posts, right? Lydie, it is just absolutely gorgeous up there! Stunning, really. You could make a pig look pretty against that mountain drop.”

Jack laughed at her last comment, but there was a nervousness behind it that set Ralph on edge. “It is quite nice up there.”

“You have to join!” Robin said, an impressive determination in her voice. She glanced over at Ralph. “You and Ralph both.”

“Well -” Lydia said, but she was cut off by Jack.

“Oh, I don’t think Ralph would want to join,” he said in that same comedic tone. He turned his eyes on Ralph. They were the same shade that painted his nightmares. “He’s never been a fan of my leadership.”

Just how messed up was this guy? How could he reference the island so easily, as if it had just been a fun holiday the two of them went on? It wasn’t something you could make inside jokes about. It was hell.

Ralph’s brow furrowed, his fear quickly turning to anger. “If I recall correctly, it was you who wasn’t a fan of my leadership.”

Jack’s smile grew, exposing more of his sickly, yellow teeth. Ralph instantly regretted his response. It felt more like an admission of guilt than a witty quip. Now, they had both acknowledged the island.

“Ooh,” Robin cooed, her head switching between the two. “I sense a rivalry.”

Jack waved her off. “Bygones, bygones. Really.”

 _Bygones?_ Bitterness seeped into Ralph’s mind. Perhaps it was easier to brush off when you were the hunter, not the hunted.

The terrible song finally ended and a new one started up. This one had a much more up-beat sound to it, which clashed terribly with the tenseness that Ralph felt.

From the bar, a man shouted out Jack’s name. He stood up straight. “Oh, that’s my order.”

Robin frowned. “Aw, leaving so soon?”

“What can I say, I’m so busy these days,” Jack said, already stepping away from the table. “It was good to see you again, though.” His eyes darted over to Ralph right before turning away.

“See you later!” Robin said. She wove to him as he grabbed the package from the counter.

He turned to the door, giving Robin a cocky salute before walking to the door. It jingled when it shut it.

Robin shook her head as she turned back to them. “That guy, I swear. Completely nuts.”

“Can’t help but admire him, huh,” Marco said with a smirk.

“What can I say?” Robin said, grabbing her drink and taking a swing. “I love a man who knows how to take charge.”

They drove in silence for fifteen minutes before Lydia spoke up. “What did you think of Marco and Robin?”

It was pitch black outside Ralph’s window, but he watched anyways. “They seemed nice.”

“It was cool running into someone you knew,” she said.

He looked over. Her hands were gripping the steering wheel as her head was staring straight ahead.

“Yeah,” he said, turning back to his window. He put his head on his hand and rested it against the sill.

“I didn’t think you’d know anyone in town. I mean, what are the odds, right?”

He was beginning to grow tired of that phrase. Not having anything to add, he simply nodded in response.

In the darkness of the world outside, he could barely make her reflection. The light from the stereo caught her earring as she glanced at him. There was a breath that passed as the car continued down the night road. “How _do_ you know Jack?”

Ralph shrugged. “I don’t really remember.” Again, not exactly a lie. His time at the island blurred together like a bad nightmare. While most of the details had been forgotten, that fear remained. It brought clarity to the memories sometimes, but mostly it was just a feeling. A lingering terror.

“The two of you seemed to have some history.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

She drew in a short breath and held it. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” she trailed off. Whatever she was going to say, it didn’t matter now.

Ralph was quick to blame himself for the awkward moment. Explaining himself wouldn’t have been any better though. No, really this was Jack’s fault. He had barely been in America for a week, and already he had seen the man twice.

It was a coincidence, right? There might be something more sinister at play here. Jack didn’t know Ralph was coming here, did he? How long had Jack been here? Did he know that Lydia was his cousin before this?

The more Ralph thought about it, the more he was convinced that tonight’s meeting was no accident. Jack was up to something, he was certain of it.

The image of the missing boy from the news article appeared in Ralph’s mind. It couldn’t be...right?

Lydia’s phone dinged from the cup holder.

“Can you check that?” she asked.

He complied, grabbing the phone. The screen lit up half the car, causing him to squint. When his eyes adjusted, he read the text that had popped up. “Robbi’s asking if we want to...join their next hike. Apparently Jack just texted her about a new one.”

She nodded slowly. “Right,” she said. “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I’d totally understand.”

There was her tell again. So, she actually wanted to go.

He had spent the last few days in bed, horrified by the idea of running into Jack at work. Now he was being invited to hang out with the man. Seeing him again had been the single worst thing that had happened to him since getting out of the mental institution. It dredged up so many nasty memories that he wanted to tell Lydia to pull over so he could get rid of whatever beer he had managed to drink. Just thinking about Jack made Ralph furious like no one else could.

And yet, if Jack really was up to something, Ralph might be one of the only people that could stop him. He knew the monster that Jack truly was. He had seen it firsthand.

He had to do something.

“We should go,” he said. He swiped open the lock screen and began hastily tapping in her password.

“Really?” she asked. “I thought you hated the outdoors.”

He shrugged. “It would be nice to reconnect with Jack.”

“I like your positive attitude!” she said. Her shoulders were significantly more relaxed. She pumped a fist in the air. “Let’s go hiking!”

“Yeah,” Ralph said. “I guess we’re joining Jack’s tribe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some side characters!! For some reason, I really like writing about people that I would never hang out with in real life. We also got a bit of Jack and Ralph interaction. The next chapter is really boring, but I'm really excited to see people's reaction to chapter 4! (I had a lot of thoughts to put here but I don't remember what they were so yeah)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph does some digging on Jack before the hike.

Ralph often found himself picturing what Piggy would have looked like if he had survived. The two of them would have continued being friends, for sure. They had been through so much together, there was no way Ralph would just leave him after the island.

Piggy would have grown up to be a fine man. He definitely wouldn’t have been kicked out of college. In fact, he probably would have skipped high school and gone straight to university. Maybe he would have gotten a degree in some advanced field of science. He’d win the Nobel prize. Humanity would probably be better off if he was alive.

But Piggy wasn’t and Ralph was. That just didn’t seem fair.

Ralph went back to work with Lydia once the weekend was over. The thought of running into Jack again terrified him, but he needed to prepare for their hike at the end of the week. He needed to get another look at those security tapes.

Lydia insisted on staying with him on his first day back. It was understandable, but it didn’t make looking at the footage easy. She treated him like a fragile package, not realizing that he was already damaged goods.

So, Ralph resolved to go through the recordings the next day. He must have spent at least fifteen minutes convincing Lydia that he was fine to be on his own. Eventually, she gave him another fake smile and said, “totally” in one context or another before leaving.

And then he was alone again.

After he had spent half an hour or so organizing the mess of a desk that Lydia had left, he opened up the security camera log and selected the area that Jack had been. The video was just as he remembered. Jack walked inside the second hallway of the interior storage units at 2:08 am. He carried a bag, although it was impossible to make out what was inside.

Searching Jack’s name in the system brought up his storage unit number. 223. The recording showed him walking over to the unit, setting down the pack, and unlocking the door. As it pulled it open, Ralph strained to see inside, but the camera just showed the hall - not the interior of any of the units.

Jack dragged the sack inside, then slid the door shut.

Ralph clicked a button and the footage sped through the hours. At 4:47 am, Jack exited. His hair was pushed back a bit, but the bag was unchanged. Ralph would have thought he was bringing stuff to drop off. But it still looked full. He left the hallway, disappearing from the camera’s view.

Ralph flipped through cameras until he saw Jack from one of the outside views. He walked to a ratty old car with the pack still slung over his shoulder. Then, he drove off.

He checked Jack’s record, but there was no account of when he came and went. So, Ralph resolved himself to checking all of the points on the second interior hallways camera where action was present. Day and night, just in case.

It took him all afternoon. Occasionally, he had to stop to help a customer or direct one of the construction workers to the bathroom. After going over the footage, Ralph sat back in his chair and mulled it all over. From what he could tell, about once a month, Jack came to his unit. He always came at night, never showing up before 1 am or after 5 am. He took that pack into the unit, stayed there for a couple hours, and then left with the sack still full.

Most of the times that Jack showed up were just the same thing over and over again. But there was one night that caught his eye. Jack came out after only an hour or so. He had arrived rather early on this particular outing. As he shuffled to the exit, something dripped from his bag. Something red.

Jack quickly adjusted the sack and set it down. He began to mop up the liquid with his sleeves. It stained his grey shirt crimson. When he returned to the bag, he was much more careful. He made it out the door without any more spillage.

A feeling stirred in his chest. He was right. Jack was definitely up to something.

There were keys in the drawer next to him. They had bothered him since the first day when Lydia opened it, and all the keys came tumbling to the front of the drawer, hopelessly unorganized. They were the spare keys to every unit. He could dig through until he found the one with a little “223” hastily written in sharpie on a yellow sticky note. But he could just as easily see himself staying there for an hour past closing to sort all the keys in an orderly fashion.

His shift was almost over, so he couldn’t really do anything today. But he couldn’t stop staring at those little red droplets on the ground before Jack cleaned it up.

### 

The next day, he tackled the drawer of keys. They all looked the same, the same silver etching and identifying sticky note. It took him a solid fifteen minutes to find the one for 223, but mostly because he kept getting distracted. There was a smudge of lipstick on the counter, or one of the worker’s shoes had left footprints on the wooden floor and Ralph had to clean it.

When he did get the key, he left the lobby and walked past aisles of outdoors units to the doors that led to the indoor units. He found the second hallway and stepped inside, the warmth of the heated area washing over him.

This was the first time he’d been in these units since Lydia showed him around on the first day. It was flipped from the footage. Ralph looked up to see a single security camera at the end of the hall. It watched him with its black lens. Unmoving.

It hadn’t occurred to Ralph that Jack wasn’t the only one who would be filmed. Was it possible that he knew about the security footage and that Ralph would watch them? He could be trying to set Ralph up, get him to commit a crime on tape, and then turn him in. The blood from the bag could have been fake, just something to give Ralph a reason to come here.

Could Jack have really thought that far ahead? It was impossible to know. He knew nothing of this new, older Jack. This is exactly why he needed to gather more information. Just to be sure.

In fact, he wasn’t even sure if what he was doing - or was about to do - is illegal. He worked for the company that owned all these units. He had a key. Would he really get in trouble for looking? It wasn’t like he didn’t have cause.

Ralph glanced at the camera again. Its stillness haunted him.

He left the hallway.

Back in the lobby, Ralph opened one of the empty drawers and stored the key inside. He doubted Lydia or any of the other workers would see it, given the state of the place before he arrived. Sometimes Ralph swore that he was the only person in the world that cared about cleanliness anymore.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. His first instinct was to ignore it. He barely used the phone, only keeping it on him for emergencies. But then, he thought of Lydia’s worried expression. If she was checking up on him, then he should probably text back soon.

He pulled out the phone, the screen lighting up. Then, he frowned. It was a text. From Josh.

“Hey, Ralph! How’s it going in America?” it read.

He turned off the phone. He couldn’t deal with Josh right now. In fact, he didn’t want to ever deal with Josh ever again. It wasn’t like keeping up with the man would do anything. They would probably never see each other again. Ralph knew this was going to happen. He recognized it the moment they met.

Well, technically, he recognized it the moment they actually spoke. He first noticed Josh on the second day of class. He sat a couple of desks to his left. They didn’t speak, but he recalled feeling a distinctly sharp annoyance at how Josh kept glancing over at him. Over the course of the next month, Josh slowly moved closer to him. At that point, it was just getting ridiculous, so one day, after class, Ralph introduced himself to Josh.

That was the first time they walked back to his dorm together. Ralph found it rather unpleasant, having to maintain some form of communication when in the past he simply walked back in silence. But, it clearly meant a lot to Josh, and Ralph wasn’t a monster. He remembered thinking, “What does Josh hope to get out of this?” He’d seen it time and time again. They’d talk, hang out a bit. Then, they’d grow apart and never speak to each other again. Ralph didn’t really get it. Why should he bother?

Ralph didn’t know why Josh bothered to text him. He didn’t know why he bothered standing there, thinking about the three years they spent together. It was just time wasted.

He didn’t look at his phone for the rest of the day.

### 

“Are we allowed to go inside the units?” Ralph asked on the way to work the next day.

He felt a little guilty that Lydia had to chauffeur him around everywhere, but he had never learned how to drive. She was supposed to have a lunch break in the middle of the day, but she ended up just driving home to pick up Ralph every time.

Lydia’s eyes flickered over to him for a moment before returning to the road. “What?”

“The units,” he said. “I just saw we had the keys and was wondering if we were allowed to look inside.”

She laughed. “No way, dude. That’s super illegal.”

“Right,” he said, trying to make it sound like the suggestion wasn’t serious. “So, why the keys?”

“In case a tenant forgets their keys,” she said. Then, she laughed a bit more. “Shit, I remember this one time this guy came in and told me he lost his keys. I gave him the spare and he gave me the weirdest look like, ‘you guys just have these?’”

“It is a bit odd.”

“Yeah, well, the storage units are technically the tenant’s property, but the boss still holds the right to look inside or something,” she said. “You know, if there’s some shady business going on or something.”

“Makes sense.”

“But that’s the big man. All we can do is report suspicious activity. Then, someone will come through and look at the footage. It’s pretty much out of our hands at that point.”

He nodded along. He hadn’t considered that other people would look through the footage. If he said anything about Jack, they would probably see him go into the same hallway with the keys. It wasn’t the worst option if something went down, but it wasn’t one Ralph was eager to take.

### 

The week was quickly coming to an end. In two days, he and Lydia would be packing a bag to stay overnight at the top of some local landmark called Mount Capall. And Ralph would spend a full twenty four hours with Jack Merridew.

He was equal parts eager and terrified. Eager to gather more information to stop Jack from whatever he’s up to. Terrified for...obvious reasons.

Work had become unbearable. Sitting for hours doing nothing but waiting for customers was wearing on his mind. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he should be doing something else. Anything else.

“Don’t forget, it’s the first, so there’s probably gonna be a lot of people coming in today,” Lydia had told him on the drive over. “Cause all the payments are due on the first.”

He had told her that he was prepared for the increase in customers, but apparently ‘a lot of people’ meant like five customers. It gave him plenty of time to check up on the security tapes. He had been watching them every day, just in case Jack showed up on the previous night. From what he could tell, he came sometime at the end of each month. He had already come this cycle, but Ralph still checked.

That’s when the bell above the door jingled, signaling a new customer. The man that walked in was the only man in the world who could make Ralph’s chest tighten like that. The way he smiled at Ralph when they locked eyes spiked the dread that was rising in stomach.

Jack Merridew stepped up to the counter. “Well, well, well, long time no see, aye?”

His casual tone did nothing to soothe Ralph’s nerves. He didn’t respond to Jack’s sarcastic greeting, studying his face as Ralph tried to decide if he should confront Jack or run.

Then, Jack held up a finger. “Oh, that’s it. I thought I recognized your friend the other night. She works here too, right?”

Ralph bit at the inside of his lip. “Lydia?”

Jack snapped his fingers. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure she’s the one that set me up with my unit.”

Was that supposed to be a threat? Acknowledging that not only did Jack know his cousin, but he also knew that Ralph had been snooping around his unit. I mean, why else bring it up?

“What do you want?” Ralph asked.

Jack’s smirk stayed in place as he reached into his pocket. He flicked his wrist out, displaying a silver credit card. The numbers caught the light as he turned it. “I came to pay. I had to cancel the card you’ve got on file. Kept meaning to give y’all the new number.”

“Okay,” Ralph said, careful.

Jack held the plastic square out to Ralph. It took every ounce of his strength to keep his hands from shaking as Ralph took it. He navigated easily to Jack’s account. Sure enough, his payment was listed as declined. He clicked away the error message and deleted the old card. Jack’s eyes were fixed on him as he punched in the new number. He hit the confirmation button. A moment later, the balance turned to zero.

“Everything looks good now,” Ralph said, handing the card back to Jack.

“Thanks,” he said.

Ralph wondered if it hurt to keep that smile on his face all the time. Ralph could never fake a smile like that, much less for that long. It couldn’t have been real. Why would he be smiling at a time like this?

Jack slipped the card back into his pocket, but he made no sign of leaving. He glanced over at the pile of rumble in the corner. “I’m glad you’re coming on the hike this weekend.”

Ralph shrugged. “Lydia really wanted to go.”

“She seems sweet,” Jack said. He turned back to Ralph. “Girlfriend?”

“What?”

“Is she your girlfriend?”

Ralph made a face.

Jack let out a short laugh. “Yesh, sorry I asked,” he said, holding up a hand.

“Cousin,” he said.

“Ah,” Jack said. He squinted. “You know, I can see the family resemblance now.”

“Thanks,” Ralph said. He was bad at small talk, but this was just infuriating. Trapped by social convention.

“Well, I’m glad you two are coming,” Jack said. “I haven’t hung out with anyone from the island in years.”

Ralph’s nostrils flared. _Hang out with anyone on the island?_ Did this guy forget what happened there? How could he?

“You hear about Roger?” Jack asked.

He never wanted to hear about Roger ever again. But he didn’t say that. He just shook his head.

“It’s rough, really. He got locked up,” Jack said. He pushed some of his bushy red hair out of his face. “Apparently he attacked some kid. Dunno what happened exactly. I just got a call from jail one day.”

“That sounds awful,” Ralph said. He wasn’t sure which freaked him out more, the fact that Roger attacked someone or the fact that Jack was talking about it like he was an annoying ex or something.

“I know, right? Even in prison, that guy still won’t let me alone,” Jack said. He shook his head. “Anyways, you still talk to Sam and Eric?”

 _You mean the ones who sold me out when you tried to kill me? No, I don’t._ Ralph wanted to say. Instead, he shook his head.

Jack frowned. “Aw. I always wondered what they were up to,” he said. “Wondered what you were up to too.”

His eyes bore into Ralph, painful as a flame burning his skin. He shrugged. “I could say the same for you.”

“Oh, well I’m not up to much these days,” Jack said. He straightened his back and looked out the window. “Just living life, you know?”

Ralph didn’t know.

“Well, I better get going,” he said, looking back at Ralph. “Gotta prepare for the trip.”

“Right,” Ralph said.

Jack walked away. He waved to Ralph as he turned to the door. “I’ll see you around.”

Ralph raised his hand and was about to wave when he stopped. They were acting like friends that had happened to run into each other at the store. It was so...wrong. Ralph almost died because of Jack.

He didn’t wave back. And then, Jack left.

Ralph’s shoulders loosened, the pain finally registering in his mind. He tried to calm his breathing. One little encounter with Jack had left him on edge.

This weekend was going to be a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have anything positive to say about this chapter. Dialogue is one of my favorite things to write, so chapters without it are kinda grating to me. Luckily next chapter is the hike, so get ready for some serious drama!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph joins Jack's tribe on a friendly hike to the top of Mount Capall.

Ralph was shivering as they stood on the side of the road, waiting for Jack. There was a good group of people here, maybe fifteen or twenty in total. They were all adults, of course. Most of them were like Robin, with their hair fixed and outfits far more fashion than function.

They huddled around at the base of Mount Capall. Ralph had seen the mountain in the background sometimes when Lydia drove him around. It wasn’t terribly tall, but still large enough to be a mountain and not a hill. There was a sign that pointed them in the direction of the start of the trail that lead to the top of the mountain. Ralph’s limbs felt like they were frozen, so he wasn’t exactly gearing to get going.

Robin was here with them. Lydia followed her around like a puppy as the white-haired girl went around and chatted with every person there. Ralph didn’t understand how she could stand having the same conversation over and over again. “Hi! How are you? What are you up to? That sounds fun. How did that thing go? Wow. That’s amazing. Are you excited for the hike? It’s gonna be fun. Well, it was nice catching up.” And then she’d move on to the next guy.

Ralph stood in the back next to Marco. Neither of them were much of talkers. Every now and then, someone would come up to Marco and chat for a bit - more of that ‘how are you, what’s going on in your life.’ At least he kinda acknowledged how silly it was as he didn’t engage for long. Although, he was significantly better at this than Ralph was.

A couple more people showed up. They would park at the little parking lot and then clamber over with their heavy backpacks and foundation-plastered faces. They would ask if Jack was here yet and someone would tell them no. Everyone here seemed to be his biggest fan, which just made Ralph dislike them all that much more.

But Jack did finally arrive. He pulled up with his ratty car that sputtered as it drove. A girl stepped out of his passenger door. She looked young, probably barely 18, and was definitely not prepared for the trip. Her hair was a light blonde shade, the same as Lydia’s, but it didn’t look dyed. She was giggling as she got out of the car.

Jack got out too and the same crowd that had gathered cheered. “Hey everyone!” he said, walking over to the back of his car.

He popped the trunk and a couple of people began to walk over. They helped him unload a bunch of camping supplies. Ralph didn’t know how they were going to get all up the mountain, but no one else looked concerned.

The girl that Jack brought stood to the side as men walked past carrying boxes. She looked to Jack expectantly as he walked by.

“Oh, right,” he said with a bit of a giddy tone. “Hey, y’all. This is Cynthia. She’s new.”

“Hi,” she said, waving.

There was a chorus of greetings from the crowd.

Jack’s head bobbed as he looked over them. Finally, his eyes landed on Ralph. He grinned. “We’ve actually got a couple new people. This time.”

They looked between Lydia and Ralph. Lydia waved a bit. “Hi. I’m Lydia, and that’s my cousin Ralph,” she said, pointing to him.

Ralph raised a hand to about chest height and was greeted with another wave of ‘hi’s’ and ‘hello’s’ despite the fact that most of these people had already seen him.

“Welcome to the tribe, kids,” Jack said. He patted Cynthia’s shoulder. The girl beamed at him.

It made Ralph feel sick.

“Well, come on! We’re losing daylight here.” Jack waved the crowd forward.

They cheered again as they began to file onto the path. Marco unfolded his arms and glanced back at Ralph before following the rest of them.

Robin had wandered to the back of the line where Jack walked slowly with an arm around Cynthia. Lydia was right by her side, not saying anything as Jack and Robin engaged in a quite animated conversation.

Ralph weighed the pros and cons of walking with Marco, who he kinda knew, or Lydia, which would mean walking with Jack. He stared into the forest up ahead. Then, his eyes widened.

In the distance, as far up the trail as he could see, there was a white horse.

It stared at him, unmoving. Then, it threw back its head with a whine that shot through Ralph. It galloped out of sight, further up the trail.

Ralph thought about the boy with a birthmark on his face. He thought about the blood dripping from Jack’s bag. He thought about that terrible grin that Jack always wore.

The four of them had caught up with Ralph. He started to walk along with them.

“You just gonna stand there the whole time?” Jack asked.

“I was waiting for Lydia,” Ralph snapped back.

“Aw, that’s so sweet,” the new girl, Cynthia, said.

Robin clapped. “This is so exciting!”

“Yeah, totally,” Lydia said.

Cynthia blew a breath in front of her. It came out in a white puff. “It’s so cold here.”

“Don’t worry. Halfway up, you’ll be stripping off layers,” Jack said.

“Ooh, I hope,” Robin said. There was a scandalous look on her face, but the laugh that came afterward told him that she was kidding.

Ralph rolled his eyes. It was going to be a long hike.

### 

Jack was right. Long before they reached the top, Ralph was sweating and his thighs burned. He hadn’t walked this much since...well, since the island.

No one else was bothered. In fact, Jack was practically glowing. He had left the back after talking up the girls for a few minutes. He floated around in the group, leaving each person he spoke to laughing and grinning like an idiot. Ralph watched as he expertly made his way through the crowd. Jack was disturbingly good at this whole leadership thing. The way he could manipulate people with a cleverly worded joke or a compliment from out of the blue made Ralph’s distrust in him grow.

Every now and then, part of the group would stop and take a picture. If Jack was around, they’d invite him to join them. He’d do some goofy pose that really annoyed Ralph for some reason. They’d ask for his handle so they could tag him and he’d make some excuse. If they insisted, Jack would tell them he was doing a social media detox. Then it would be all ‘that’s so amazing’ and ‘Urg, I really need to do that.’

The girls had stopped talking to each other as soon as Jack left. After a bit, Cynthia pushed forward to catch up with him. That left Lydia, Robin, and Ralph in the back. 

Lydia adjusted her backpack. “You doing okay?”

Ralph nodded weakly.

“You’re too skinny for this,” Robin said in a playful tone. “Seriously, do you eat, like, at all?”

“Yes,” Ralph said. “I mean, I forget sometimes.”

Robin laughed. “Fuck, how do you forget to eat? I wish I could. Food is, like, all I think about.”

“Food and one other thing.” Lydia smiled.

“What can I say? I’ve got a one-track mind,” Robin said. “Food and sex. That’s all you need to survive, right?”

Ralph stopped listening. Jack had moved to the front and was saying something to the group, but they were too far to here. A couple of people responded in delight, but again, he couldn’t really understand them. He kept his eyes trained on Jack as he lightly jumped between rocks, warranting clapping from some of the girls.

“So, like, exactly how hard are you pining for Jack, hm?” Robin said, suddenly right next to him.

Ralph sputtered and stepped away. “What?”

“Don’t deny it. I can see right through you,” Robin said, holding up a finger. She gave him a giddy look. “So? How hard are you pining for our glorious chief?”

Ralph frowned. “Chief?”

Robin rolled her eyes. “You know, Jack?”

“He makes you call him the chief?” Ralph asked.

“He doesn’t make us do anything,” Robin said. She rolled her wrist. “Jack suggested it one day and we all agreed it was funny.” Then, she pointed sharply at Ralph. “Don’t avoid the question.”

“I’m not…” Ralph stopped, the word foreign on his tongue. “‘pining’ for Jack.”

“Oh, damn, you’ve got it bad, huh?”

“Robbi,” Lydia said in a pleading tone.

“I’m just making conversation,” she said. She put a head on her forehead. “I am but a simple servant of love and I cannot stand idly by while these two hide their true feelings for each other.”

Lydia turned to me. “Ignore her. She just has a thing for the enemies-to-lovers dynamic.”

Robin stuck her tongue out at Lydia. “You’re no fun. I happen to think that Jack and Ralph would be very cute together.”

Ralph's gaze wandered back over to Jack. He had his arm around Cynthia again and was pointing out something in the distance. “What exactly do you see in him?” he asked.

It was Robin’s turn to look confused. “Huh?”

“Jack,” Ralph said. “I mean, you said yourself that he was crazy.”

“Yeah, but he’s, like, the good kind of crazy, duh,” Robin said. “Besides, he’s fun. He’s got that confidence like he literally isn’t scared of anything. And he says all the things that ‘polite society’ doesn’t. It’s refreshing.”

“And you’re not weirded out by all this ‘tribe’ and ‘chief’ talk?”

“I guess it’s a bit weird, but it’s fun weird. I mean, who doesn’t want to play savages any now and then,” Robin said, nudging Ralph’s arm a bit.

Now it wasn’t just the exercise that made Ralph’s stomach churn.

“It’s all fun and games,” Robin said.

“Until someone gets hurt,” Ralph added.

“It’s okay if you’re not comfortable with it,” Lydia said. “It’s totally valid.”

“I’m fine,” Ralph said, probably a bit too sternly to convincingly be said by someone who was fine.

“You have some serious history with Jack, huh?” Robin said.

Ralph stepped on a rock wrong. It hit the arch of his foot, shooting pain up his leg. He grimaced. “You could say that.”

“Childhood friends, right?” Robin said. “That’s what Jack said.”

Ralph furrowed his eyebrows. “What all did Jack say?”

“Not much, actually,” Robin said. She put a finger to his chin and tapped. “She said the two of you knew each other as kids and were pretty close for a time. But then you stopped hanging out after an argument or something.”

 _An argument? Is that what he calls attempted murder?_ Ralph thought.

“He was pretty vague tbh,” Robin said. She tilted her head as she looked at me. “Let me guess, you’re not gonna fill me in on any of the details.”

Ralph shrugged. “I don’t really like to talk about it.”

Lydia’s shoulders stiffened a bit. She must have been used to hearing that phrase from him by now and was able to start putting pieces together. If she realized anything, she didn’t voice it. She was notably quiet for the rest of the way up.

### 

The sun was beginning to set and Ralph’s legs were just about to give way when they finally reached the top. He heard it before he saw it. The people at the front of the group started talking all at once. It was a bunch of ‘wow’ ‘that’s so pretty’ and ‘takes my breath away.’

Robin got really excited, so she started running. This prompted Lydia to take off. So, Ralph begrudgingly picked up the pace for the final stretch.

What he saw at the top wasn’t worth it.

What feeling was left in his lips disappeared as the water in the distance glared back at him. The mountains had blocked the view from the rest of the town, leaving Ralph blissfully unaware of how close they were. But, up here at the top of Mount Capall, he realized why Jack wanted to come up here.

“It’s the ocean,” Ralph said.

“I know, right? Isn’t it gorgeous?” Robin said. Her eyes lit up as she watched the waves overlap.

Ralph took a step back, his gaze still locked on the water. His foot fumbled over a rock, causing him to stumble a bit. He jerked his hands up to keep his balance. Fortunately, he avoided a fall.

“Careful,” Jack said.

Ralph turned so quickly that his neck hurt. Jack was standing right beside him, arms raised as if he was going to catch Ralph. There was a feeling deep in Ralph’s gut that told him to run. Run and don’t look back. Run and Jack won’t get you. Run, and you’ll be safe.

Ralph lowered his hands and straightened his back. “I’m fine,” he told Jack.

Jack’s smile was smaller now, less friendly, more smug. “Alright.”

The others were taking photos without smiles. They gave their phone cameras serious expressions as the white blew their hair around. The ocean loomed behind them.

Lydia took a few photos with Robin. Then, she asked Ralph to take some photos of just her as Marco pulled out a proper camera to capture Robin. Ralph did his best, but his hands shook and the phone lighting kept getting off. Eventually, Lydia just thanked him with a couple ‘totally’s.’

And then the sun was gone and they still hadn’t set up the tents. They walked to where there was a clearing with an empty fire pit. It didn’t look like a real camping spot, but everyone got to work like they owned the place. Ralph sat on a rock as he watched them attempt to set up camp in the dark. His legs hurt so much, he didn’t think he was ever going to stand up again. No one said anything to him, too busy laughing and talking so loudly that the whole mountain must have heard them.

When the darkness reached a point that it was honestly ridiculous that they were still using their phone light, Ralph stood up again. There were plenty of stray branches for him to gather. He stacked some wood in the fire pit, trying not to think about the last time he had to do this. When he was done, he stood up to get the matches from his backpack. However, when he turned around, he was face to face with Jack Merridew.

Since he smiled so much, Ralph was beginning to discern emotions from the subtleties in his grin. This one reached his eyes, which were a bit more squinted than usual. But, his lips were still tight. An amused grin, Ralph decided.

Jack didn’t say anything. He simply held up a box of matches to Ralph.

Ralph took the box with a frown. “Thanks,” he muttered.

“No, thank you for the fire,” Jack said. “These idiots normally stumble around in the dark until they get hungry and then they think about the fire.”

Ralph turned away from him and crouched down. “Well, I wasn’t doing anything else, so…” He struck a match, admiring how easily the flame came.

“Just make sure this one doesn’t get out of hand,” Jack said. He patted Ralph’s back a bit too hard, causing him to drop the match into the fire pit. It caught a stick and the yellow-red flame began to spread.

Ralph stood. Things were so much easier here. Lydia and he bought the tents at the store. The food was stuck in freezers, ready to be cooked when they wanted it. The fire was a matter of lighting a match. And on top of it all, his life didn’t depend on any of it. He didn’t need the shelter, or the food, or even the fire. He could just leave.

The dissonance burned in him, growing like the fire. Always growing.

Once the tents were set up, they all gathered around the fire. Someone pulled out hotdogs, and someone else started passing around bottles of various alcohol content. Ralph wasn’t really hungry. After the hotdogs, they got out marshmallows. Lydia offered him one, but he said he didn’t want anything. Somehow, it didn’t feel earned.

Jack and Cynthia were sitting really close. She was basically sitting in his lap. Ralph didn’t buy that she ‘had never had smores before.’ She sat back in delight as Jack cooked a marshmallow for her. According to Lydia, _Ralph_ was the weird one for staring, although her breath smelled too strongly of bourbon for him to take her seriously.

It looked like people were almost done eating, and Ralph was hoping to get to sleep soon. He wanted to put the whole day behind him. Although, he wasn’t particularly looking forward to the inevitable ache in his legs the next morning.

That’s when Robin stood up with a half-empty bottle in hand and addressed the crowd. “Okay, okay, everyone! Gather around! It’s time for ghost stories!”

There was a murmur through the crowd, some excited chatter and a couple ‘urg, I hate scary stories.’

She swayed a bit as she watched them. Then, she pointed at no one in particular. “And don’t think about dipping out early.” She looked over at Ralph and winked. Then, she retracted her hand, one finger raised. “You have to stay for at least one story.”

“What story?” Cynthia asked.

Robin grinned. She turned on her phone’s light and held it under her chin in the universal ‘telling a scary story’ look. She wiggled her fingers at the question-asker. “The tale of the Beast.”

Hanging out with Jack’s tribe really wasn’t good for his health, Ralph decided. This was the third time that he wanted to throw up this week. The murmur that sprung up from the crowd told Ralph that this wasn’t the first time they were hearing this story.

“This is a very important story,” Robin continued in a pseudo-serious tone. “The Beast is the founding philosophy of the whole tribe.” Robin held an open palm over to Jack. “If you will.”

“Thank you, Robbi,” he said. Then, he looked at Ralph with that terrible smile.

And once again, Ralph found himself shivering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have time to read over this again, so let's hope there aren't any glaring typos.
> 
> Next update: March 18, 2020


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph finishes off the hiking trip.

“Thank you, Robbi,” Jack said as Ralph tried to remain calm. His piercing gaze fell on Ralph, destroying any hope he had of keeping a straight face. “But I think it would be more interesting if Ralph told everyone about it. After all, he was right there with me when it happened.”

Everyone was looking at Ralph now.

“You’ve seen the Beast?” someone asked.

“I thought Jack was just making shit up,” another one said.

“Tell us what happened!” a voice demanded.

Their words swarm around him, making his breathing quicken. The smell of the fire mixed with the scent of the distant ocean. He couldn’t think.

“Ralph?” Lydia asked from beside him. Her eyebrows were drawn back, her dark, blue eyes glowing orange in the firelight. She seemed to have sobered up a bit.

Ralph turned away from her and looked straight at Jack. With all the courage he had left, he said, “The Beast isn’t real.”

The group booed him. It was a non-serious sound, spurred on by the community of the others. But that dreadful desire in Ralph to run far away steadily rose.

“Come on, Ralph. I thought you would know better than that by now,” Jack said. He slipped his arm out from around Cynthia’s back and stood up. “Let me explain.”

All around him, people whispered excitedly.

“Listen closely, ye civilized folk,” Jack said. He said ‘civilized’ as if it was a curse word, full of scorn like second-hand embarrassment. “Long before the rule of society, the Beast was chief of all people. It came from the ocean, rising up to eat all the naughty little boys. The Beast is a shapeshifter, you see. It can take the face of anything and anyone. You can never be quite sure who is friend and who is the Beast in disguise.” He winked at Cynthia, causing the girl to giggle. “I saw it once myself. When I was just a boy. I went exploring with some friends after hearing reports of such a Beast. We weren’t scared. After all, we were hunters. Or at least, some of us were.” Jack looked at Ralph with a shrug.

The crowd followed his gaze, snickering before turning back to their leader.

“If there was a beast, we were going to kill it,” Jack continued. “So, we climbed to the top of the mountain with our spears sharpened, and we saw…” His eyes were still on Ralph. “Well, what did we see?”

There was a shadowy figure in Ralph’s memories. It had fangs and sharp claws. When they stepped into the clearing, it moved. Such a fear struck Ralph - a fear unmatched by even his worst nightmares.

They were all looking at him again. Their boo’s still echoed in Ralph’s mind. Reluctantly, he spoke. “We saw the Beast.”

The excited chatter came back. Then there were hushes as they all leaned towards Ralph. He looked over at Jack for reassurance, but he simply stared at him with that tight smile.

So, he went on. “It was dark. I don’t really remember the details,” he said. He talked slowly, trying to put the pieces together in his head as he spoke. “But when it saw us, it looked up at us. And I knew it was going to kill us if we didn’t run. So, we ran.” 

Jack’s smile grew to a full grin, showing off his teeth. “All plans of killing the Beast were thrown out the window as we scrambled away,” he said.

The crowd turned back to Jack. Ralph felt like he could breathe again.

“It towered behind us, chasing after with glowing, red eyes,” he said. He was more excited now, spreading his arms out to emphasize his point. “We just barely managed to outrun the thing but not before discovering how to kill it. From that day on, I’ve been a dutiful prophet, fighting to keep the monster at bay. Do you want to know the only thing that can stop the Beast?”

The small community leaned in, as if they hadn’t heard the story before. Jack waited, looking each of them in the face.

His eyebrows lowered, giving his smile a sinister twist. “Savagery.”

Robin cheered, jumping up and pumping her fist in the air. The others joined in. They screamed and hopped around like they had lost their minds. Together, they began their chant, “Kill the beast! Cut its throat! Spill its blood!”

Ralph watched the horrific scene play out in front of him. They danced around the fire, and Ralph was convinced that at any moment, one of them would jump in the middle. They would pull out wooden spears and jab at the person in the middle. Blood and hair would fly across the clearing. Sanity would be forsaken in the name of savagery.

Someone put a hand on his shoulder. They were going to push him in. They were going to kill him.

He jerked his body back, a hand raised in a panicked fist to bash in the head of whoever threatened him. Right before swinging his arm down, the image of the face in front of him registered in his mind. It was Lydia.

“Are you okay?” she asked. She must not have noticed his attack stance as she regarded him with concern, not fear.

He was breathing heavily. Taking in a breath, he lowered his arm and tried to nod. But, he felt dizzy. His body felt like it was a million miles away from his mind.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Lydia said. She gave him a weak smile. “This is just some stupid thing they do. Robbi said it’s fun when you get into it, but I don’t know.”

Cynthia was laughing along with them, tagging behind Jack with his goofy grin. They held hands as they danced. Even Marco joined in. Robin was fully into it at this point, swinging her body in a jolting motion like she was keeping beat with music that wasn’t playing. 

“I’m fine,” Ralph said.

Lydia pressed her lips together, her eyes darting between Ralph’s.

“What?” he asked.

“Did you really see the Beast?” she asked.

Ralph drew in a quick breath.

“Sorry, it’s just, you described it the same way that Robbi did,” she said. “She kinda briefed me beforehand. I didn’t think to mention it, but I’m sorry if-”

“It’s okay,” he said. “I did see it, but it wasn’t a beast.” He tried to say the next bit, but it got caught in his throat.

Her eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. “Then, what was it?”

“A dead body,” he said. “That’s what the police said. It was gone by the time they got there, but they tested the blood or something. They said that it was probably a skydiver. His parachute got tangled in the branches, and when the wind blew, the body moved.”

“That’s terrible,” she said in a hushed voice. “I’m so sorry that you had to see that.”

It was tame compared to the rest of what he witnessed. But, Jack had clearly been careful to leave out the island in his little story. Ralph wasn’t about to bring it up.

So, he shrugged. “It was dark. We didn’t really see much. Just an overactive imagination.”

“Still,” she said. She turned back to the dance. They were circling the fire now. When someone moved in front of it, Lydia’s face turned from orange to blue. “It’s kinda messed up that Jack made up this whole batty religion out of that encounter.”

Ralph scoffed a bit. “Yeah. Jack’s really messed up.”

She studied Ralph’s face, perhaps watching the same light changes that swept across her own face. “Was that the argument you got into?”

“What?”

“The argument that Robbi mentioned?”

“Oh, that,” he said. He shrugged again. “I guess.”

Their chanting died down as people got tired and returned to their seats. At least, only Jack and Cynthia were standing. The girl was leaning over his chest like she was the queen of the tribe. Jack did that thing again where he looked every one of them in the eyes. “This is why we gather each month. We must soothe the Beast with our own chaos.”

There was some cheering from the others. Ralph was just glad it was over.

Jack clapped. “Now, who else wants to tell a story?”

### 

It must have been midnight, but Ralph was standing at the top of the mountain again. The moon reflected on the ocean. The cold air smelled so salty, it made him gag.

He didn’t hear it approach, but when it turned, the white horse was standing next to him. It stared at him, its features expressionless. There was no offer of a ride, nor a threat to flee from. They just stood there.

The horse turned its head to look down the path. Ralph followed its gaze and froze. Walking up to them was a young boy with a birthmark on his face. It was the same boy from the island. Ralph felt it more than he recognized it. The boy went straight to the horse. He reached out a hand and the horse placed its muzzle in his grasp.

Ralph tried to say something, tell the boy to get away from the horse or ask how he had survived the fire. But, his words came out as a whisper. He wanted to scream, but his energy was gone. Helplessly, he watched.

The horse threw back its mane, gesturing for the boy to get on its back. The boy complied. His legs swung as he tried to pull himself onto the horse. After a moment, the horse nudged his feet, pushing him up. The boy gripped the horse’s mane and stabilized himself on its back.

The horse whined. It was the first real sound that Ralph had heard since it showed up. Then, it started to gallop. It moved past Ralph and over the edge of the mountain, diving into the water with a hypnotic majesty.

There was a splash. Ralph held up his hands to keep the water from reaching his eyes. When he lowered them, he saw the horse riding off in the distance with the boy riding it. They had almost reached the horizon when the white hair of the horse started to flow a bit too high. It wasn’t a mane anymore, but a blazing fire. Ralph shouldn’t have been able to see from this height, but he could tell that the boy was panicking.

“Someone should save him.”

Ralph didn’t jump. He turned calmly to see Jack standing beside him. He was younger and naked, like he was on the island before he went savage. Ralph realized that he wasn’t wearing any clothes either. His own chest was covered in blood, though he didn’t know if it was his or someone else’s.

“Someone should,” Ralph agreed.

“Sounds like a job for the chief,” Jack said.

The water was black. If Ralph touched it, he was certain it would burn his skin away. Like acid.

“It’s a good thing I’m here,” Jack said. He walked to the edge of the cliff and jumped.

Ralph leaned forward to get a better look. Jack was swimming to where the horse was. It was still burning, the boy with a birthmark looked wildly from the fire to the water. It was a panic Ralph knew well.

Jack caught up with the horse faster than should have been possible. However, when he pulled himself out of the water, his body was longer. His hair was shorter. His face was older.

The birthmark had moved to the middle of the boy’s face. It was like the one from the news story. Jack pulled him off of the horse. Ralph was relieved, but this feeling didn’t last long as Jack plunged the boy into the water.

Jack held him under as the boy thrashed wildly. Ralph could feel his fear. He could also feel Jack’s laughter. It resonated in his chest. Discord.

And then, Ralph woke up. He hadn’t remembered falling asleep. But there he was, lying in a tent next to Lydia. His sleeping bag had become unzipped, the top tossed over the side. His exposed flesh was covered in goosebumps, half explaining the cold sweat.

He grabbed the fabric and pulled it back over him. Shutting his eyes, he tried to fall back asleep. But, any time he started to drift off, he’d hear that disjointed laughter and wake up again. He tried to tell himself that it had just been a dream.

But then he heard the whine of a horse.

Ralph shot up, pushing the covers off of him. He tried to be both quiet and fast, which was harder than he thought, as he left the tent. Everyone had gone to sleep at this point. The fire was nothing but bright embers at this point. He moved past all of it to the top of the mountain.

There was no horse here. But there was someone sitting at the edge. Ralph squinted at the figure as he approached. It wasn’t Jack or the boy with the birthmark. It was just Marco.

Ralph was about to turn and head back to his tent, feeling a bit silly for expecting anything, when Marco spoke up. “Can’t sleep?”

He froze. At first, he just shook his head, but Marco was turned away from him. He was wide-awake at this point, his dream faded from his mind. So, he resolved to walking up to the edge and taking a seat next to Marco. “Not really.”

Marco nodded. He was watching the moon. In Ralph’s dream, it had been full. In reality, it was just sliver. There were many stars out, despite the time. Ralph supposed that was because they were so close to town. It was easy to forget given the forest and the ocean in view.

They didn’t talk for a bit. Ralph considered asking Marco if he was okay. But, he knew the answer. People who are okay don’t sit at the edge of cliffs at midnight. Ralph wasn’t the type to give emotional advice. So, he stayed silent.

“Why are you here, Ralph?” Marco said.

The sudden noise made him stiffen a bit.

“I mean, not here like here. Why did you come on this trip?” he asked. Then, he let out a puff of air. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be apprehensive. It’s just, I know why Lydia’s here. But why are you here?”

That wasn’t a question that Ralph wanted to answer. So, he chose a different tactic. “Why do you think Lydia’s here?”

Marco picked up a pebble from the ground beside him. He turned the rock over, running his fingers over the rough edges. “I think that Lydia wants to like a lot of things. She wanted to like kale. She wanted to like Instagram. Now, she wants to like hiking,” he said. He rolled the stone into the palm of his hand and stared at it. “It’s fine, it’s just that I think she’d be a lot happier if she just liked the things that she liked and didn’t try so hard to like everything else. I can tell that she wants people to like her. And I can tell that she likes you.”

Ralph didn’t really know where this was coming from. He just nodded.

Marco balled his hand into a fist around the rock. Then, he swung back his hand and threw it. The pebble soared through the air, barreling towards the ocean. It was impossible to see where it landed from their height. “That’s why Lydia’s here. But I don’t know why you’re here. I mean, no offence, but you don’t like you really are into this sort of thing. And you clearly hate Jack. And if you really didn’t want to come, Lydia wouldn’t make you come. She’d make up some excuse about how she totally didn’t want to come either and reassure you that she was 100% okay with no going.”

“You know her well,” Ralph said. He tried to make it sound like a compliment, but he wasn’t sure if it came through.

Marco shrugged. “We’ve been friends for a long time.”

There was a large wave approaching. It crashed into the water loud enough to reach their ears. It was rather impressive.

“Why are you here?” Ralph asked.

The question must have caught him off guard. He gave a short laugh. “Me?” he asked. “I’m here because I’m a coward.”

“How does going on a hike make you a coward?” Ralph asked. His brow was furrowed in confusion.

Marco shook his head. “Just forget I said anything.”

Ralph stayed silent. If Marco didn’t want to talk about it, he wasn’t going to push it. He barely knew the guy anyways. But, as they sat there, watching the waves, there was something deeply sad in Marco’s gaze. It reminded Ralph of his own.

So, Ralph gave in. “I guess I’m here because I’m a coward too.”

“Oh really?” Marco asked. There was something in his voice that sounded like an invitation to continue.

Ralph took it. “I think I used to be brave. I used to be a lot of things. I used to feel things so strongly.”

“To feel is to be human.” Marco’s head bobbed thoughtfully. 

Ralph considered this. “I was human.”

Marco looked at him. “But not anymore?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t think I’m really anything anymore.”

“Isn’t that a mood,” Marco said, his gaze returning to the water.

Ralph didn’t really know what this meant, but he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to ask.

“But, even if I’m not anything, there’s still some things I have to do. Some things that only I can do,” he said. “Sometimes you have to be nothing to do something.”

“How profound.”

“I’m not really good at explaining my thoughts,” Ralph said, a bit embarrassed.

“It’s fine,” Marco said. “I think I understand a bit.” He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on top. “Sometimes, nothing is all you got.”

They said nothing after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot to post today, but worry not! The chapter is here!
> 
> Next update: March 25


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph joins Lydia and her friends at an open mic night.

In the end, the whole trip wasn’t a complete waste of time. At least now, Ralph knew that Jack was just as insane as he was on the island. Before, Ralph just thought he didn’t take the island seriously. But now, he realized that the man had some sort of sick obsession with the whole affair.

A dangerous obsession.

Ralph didn’t want to get involved. In fact, after that scene at the top of the mountain, Ralph never wanted to see Jack again. But, every time he went to work, he found himself checking the security footage. He knew that Jack wouldn’t show up again until the end of the month, but he felt like he needed to know. Just to make sure.

He still had no idea what Jack was keeping in his storage unit. He had a million guesses, but none of them had any proof. Above all else, he needed proof.

Without that, he had fallen into a routine. He woke up late, cleaned up Lydia’s filthy apartment, went to work, checked the tapes, and then went home. He searched for anything to attach to his suspicions about Jack. The only thing he had was the strange 2 am visits.

He checked the news daily. In a town this big, there was more than one disappearance every month, which was depressing but also didn’t help him. He tried to match the dates with the times that Jack showed up, but nothing lined up.

The boy with a birthmark still hadn’t been found.

He was beginning to run out of options, going through the same cyclical motions when Lydia came along to break his routine.

“Open mic?” Ralph asked, lowering the bottle of disinfectant he held. No matter how much he cleaned, the walls still seemed dirty. There were always more spots.

She stood in the doorway to his room with her hands folded. She rubbed her knuckles. “Yeah, it’s just a fun little thing. We get together, have some coffee, and then I’ll read my poetry to everyone.”

“You write poetry?” he asked.

She looked away. “I mean, I’ve written a couple of things here and there. Nothing serious.”

“Oh,” he said, unsure exactly how to react. “That’s cool.”

“You don’t have to come,” she said. “Marco and Robbi are coming, so it’s not like I’m going alone. I just thought I’d ask. Cause, you know.”

Because he had only left the house to go to work? Because he didn’t have any real friends here? Or, maybe because Lydia wanted him to come.

“Sounds fun,” he said. 

Her face lit up. “Yeah?”

Ralph nodded, smiling back at her.

“It’s gonna be so much fun,” she said. “Just you wait.”

### 

Ralph had never been to an open mic night. There were a handful of people strewn around the coffee shop. The walls were brick with some sort of cement coverings on certain areas. Fairy lights entangled potted plants and rafters, giving the place a sort of dim, yellow glow in the night darkness.

Lydia and he arrived before her friends. She signed up a couple of minutes ago, even offered Ralph a chance to add his name to the list. He declined. What was he going to do at an open mic? He barely knew what to say in casual conversation.

She looked nice, really. Her nails were covered in acrylics now - a rare sight from his cousin. She had spent hours in the mirror earlier curling her hair. Even her face was painted with makeup, although the wings of her eyeliner were a bit shaky.

She kept glancing at the door every two seconds. Any minute now, the first name on the little paper list would be called to the stage, which was just an empty corner with a single mic and a couple of speakers. Her name was fifth on the list.

Ralph’s phone buzzed. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out. Another text from Josh. Was he really going to keep bothering him? Even after he started ignoring his texts.

He swiped to unlock the phone. His conversation with Josh was all in grey. He didn’t even read the words on the screen. The thought of trying to keep up this relationship...it was too much to think about it.

Ralph tapped an icon at the top of the screen. An options menu popped up. At the bottom, there was a big red button: BLOCK.

His finger hung over it. But then, he thought about Josh’s face, his scruffy hair, his overworn jacket. Josh didn’t deserve to be blocked.

Instead, he clicked a button to mute the conversation. This way he didn’t have to deal with it, but he still had the option to come back at any time. It was a good compromise.

Then, at last, the old-time-y bell that hung above the coffee shop rang. Lydia looked over and smiled as her friends walked in. Marco stepped through first, holding the door open for Robin. And then, following right behind them, was someone Ralph wasn’t expecting. That someone was holding a guitar case, and, at this point, Ralph shouldn’t have been surprised to see him.

It was Jack fucking Merridew.

The three of them walked over to the table that Lydia and Ralph sat at.

“Hey, girl!” Robin said, greeting Lydia with a hug.

Ralph tried to avoid Jack’s gaze, but he found himself locking eyes with Marco. They hadn’t spoken since that night. That wasn’t weird, he supposed. It wasn’t like they really talked. That night had been the only time they had a real conversation.

Lydia pulled away from the hug and regarded Jack with a tight smile. “Oh. You brought Jack.”

“Are you kidding?” Jack asked in a sort of excited voice. He held up the guitar case. “I never miss an open mic.”

“Oh my fuck, Lydie, you _have_ to hear Jack sing,” Robin said. “He’s got the voice of a literal angel I swear.”

“Aw, you’re too kind,” Jack said. “I just like singing every now and then. It’s nothing serious.”

His false modesty was so easy to see through, but Robin talked him up like Jack didn’t already think he was the best thing since sliced bread.

“I thought you were the head boy of the choir,” Ralph said, still not looking at Jack. The memory came back to him, Jack’s annoying voice loudly speaking in Ralph’s mind. “Because you could sing C sharp.”

“I can still sing C sharp,” Jack said. If he picked up on Ralph’s mockery, he didn’t show it. He seemed more insulted by the insinuation of using the past-tense. “Come to think of it, I don’t think you ever heard me sing.”

Ralph didn’t know how, but this was part of Jack’s scheme. There was a challenge to his statement. Ralph wasn’t about to back down.

“If you want to sing, you should go ahead and sign up before it’s too late,” Ralph said, nodding to the sign-up sheet.

“I suppose I should,” Jack said, still a bit of defiance in his tone. It wasn’t aggressive enough for the others to pick up on it.

Jack walked away and Robin immediately turned to Ralph. “Yo, what are the details on that?”

Perhaps it was aggressive enough. 

Ralph shrugged.

“Come on, that was intense,” Robin said. “I got all fired up just standing on the sidelines, like, what’s up with Ralph being pissed at Jack singing all a sudden?”

“It’s not the singing; it’s the attitude,” Ralph snapped.

Robin was practically on the edge of her seat now, licking her lips like she was thirsty for the drama.

“I mean,” Ralph tried to back track. “It’s just annoying when people try to pretend like they’re not egotistical.”

“What, would you rather people be openly egotistical?” Marco asked.

“I suppose not,” Ralph said.

Jack came back over and rested his guitar case against the wall. It was just in time for one of the workers to pick up the list and take it to the mic. They all took their seats as the man with an overgrown beard introduced the night. Then, he read the first name and everyone applauded as a fragile little woman with thin hair took to the stand.

They pretended to listen to everyone that went up there, but Ralph knew he wasn’t the only one having a hard time concentrating. Jack and Robin kept whispering to each other. They’d snicker and dart their eyes at the person, or people, on stage, like school kids spreading rumors about the new girl. It wasn’t just annoying. It was aggravating.

But, before Ralph could be pushed over the edge, the bearded man called out, “Lydia Greene.”

Lydia took in a shaky breath as the clapping started. She ran a finger through her hair and walked to the stage, giving the people an unstable smile. At the mic, she reached into her jacket and pulled out her phone. She stared at the screen.

Jack leaned over to say something to Robin, but she waved him off. The motion caught Lydia’s eyes and she turned to look at them, her face frozen in a look of momentary terror.

But then, Robin gave her a thumbs up, and all of Lydia’s fear melted away. She looked up at the crowd. And for the first time, Ralph heard her poetry.

_“I went and looked back at this song  
I’d play when I’d think of her.  
In the comments there was  
This long, heart-felt message  
I wrote ages ago.  
I saw there were two likes  
Which was mortifying.  
I don’t know which was worse.  
One: that two whole people  
Witnessed this embarrassing display of emotion  
Or, that only two people  
felt that my words were worth liking.  
That’s how it feels when I speak to her.  
It’s like I shrink so she can grow.  
And it’s weird  
Because I think I’m okay with that.  
I am okay with  
A lot of things around her.  
And I wish I would  
Be okay with more things.  
I wish I was okay with  
Everything  
That she was okay with.  
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like this.  
Feel like  
Only two whole people  
In the world  
Liked me.”_

It took a moment for the crowd to realize she was done. They looked up from their phones or stopped whispering to give her some scattered applause. Lydia scuttered back over to her friends.

“Lydia, that was amazing!” Robin said in a hushed, but excited, voice.

“Yeah, good job,” Jack said.

“Ditto,” Marco said, giving her a warm smile and a wink.

“Thanks, guys,” she said. She sounded like she was out of breath as she sat down next to me. “That was really scary.”

“Well, it was amazing and you are amazing,” Robin said.

Lydia was blushing now. She nodded as the bearded man read out another name.

The clapping started. Robin leaned over. “I’m going to get you to tell me who this mystery girl is eventually.”

“Sure. Totally,” Lydia said.

Then, Robin was back to her private conversation with Jack. Lydia stared off into space for the next couple of performers.

Ralph didn’t say anything.

And then, the bearded man read out Jack’s name.

The way Jack stood up exuded confidence. Every eye in the room turned to him as he pulled out an acoustic guitar and marched up to the stage. He plugged his guitar into one of the speakers. Then, he tapped the mic, as if checking to make sure it was still on.

“Thank you for coming tonight, folks,” Jack talked as if he was the one who ran the event. And, from the way he spoke, you believed him. “I’ve just got one last little song. For you.” He winked at one of the girls in the audience, earning him a giggle and a new fangirl. “It’s called ‘Arsonist’s Lullaby.’”

He cleared his throat, turning his eyes to the guitar. Then, he strummed a chord. It echoed around the room, bouncing off the wall with a heavenly fullness. Jack hummed a tune into the mic. He played chord after chord as he hummed, perfectly on key.

Then, he began to sing, _“When I was a child, I heard voices. Some would sing and some would scream.”_

The words were haunting, contrasting the almost jovial way that he sang. Ralph was annoyed to admit that Robin was right. He did have a wonderful voice.

 _“You soon find you have few choices. I learned the voices died with me,”_ he continued. He sang:

_“When I was a child, I'd sit for hours  
Staring into open flame.  
Something in it had a power  
Could barely tear my eyes away.”_

The words resonated with Ralph. The fire of the island came into his mind’s eye. He could still feel the flames reaching for his skin.

_“All you have is your fire  
And the place you need to reach  
Don't you ever tame your demons  
But always keep them on a leash.”_

At this point, Ralph was fully captivated by Jack's song. He began to hum again, that same tune from the beginning. However, he sounded more sorrowful now.

_“When I was sixteen, my senses fooled me  
Thought gasoline was on my clothes  
I knew that something would always rule me  
I knew this scent was mine alone.”_

Ralph didn’t know the song, but there was something so familiar about the words. He wondered if they reflected Jack’s own life.

_“All you have is your fire  
And the place you need to reach  
Don't you ever tame your demons  
Always keep them on a leash.”_

The strumming picked up as he raised his voice.

_“When I was a man, I thought it ended  
When I knew love's perfect ache  
But my peace has always depended  
On all the ashes in my wake.  
All you have is your fire  
And the place you need to reach  
Don't you ever tame your demons  
But always keep them on a leash.”_

Jack stopped singing and started humming again. His eyes were shut as he hummed that same tune over and over again. Then, he stopped strumming and just let his voice carry through the room.

It was, without doubt, a flawless performance.

When Jack opened his eyes and gave the crowd that wild grin, they erupted into a standing ovation. He beamed as he muttered his gratitude into the mic.

Ralph was the only one left sitting.

Robin cheered as Jack gave one final wave before heading back to the table. She looked right at Lydia. “See? What did I tell you?”

Jack returned to his seat. The bearded man was trying to give some closing remarks, but a bunch of people began to surround their table, telling Jack how great his performance was. People asked if he had an Instagram or somewhere they could find him. Jack gave them his “social media detox” spiel. After a couple of minutes of “exciting” conversation, consisting of Jack saying things that people laughed at for some reason, a few people were still adamant about hearing more from him.

There was a subtle change in Jack’s smile. The corners of his mouth reached a bit too far, displaying his front teeth.

“Well, actually, I like to lead this little adventuring group,” he told them.

Robin took over, gushing about how incredible the whole experience is. She got so excited, that even Lydia and Marco joined in to encourage them to join. Ralph almost wanted to speak up, just to prove that he too had been a part of this group, but he fought to keep his silence.

They expressed interest in joining. Robin clapped her hands together. “Hell yeah!” she said. Then, she turned to Jack. “I don’t suppose you have the next hike planned.”

That sinister look in Jack’s eyes sparkled. “Actually, I was thinking that maybe we should do something a bit different for the next meeting.”

“Oh?” Robin asked.

“I was thinking, wouldn’t it be fun to have a change of pace?” Jack said. “You know, it’s hard to be an adventurer in the middle of a city.”

“I totally agree,” Lydia said.

“And I hear the colleges are going on break for the spring soon. So what if…”

They all leaned in, but Jack was only looking at Ralph.

“We went to a secluded island?”

Ralph didn’t react at first. The others chatted excitedly. ‘You know, I’ve been meaning to take a vacation.’ ‘This is going to be so much fun!’ ‘I’ve never been to an island before.’

“What do you say, Ralph?” Jack said.

Suddenly, they were all staring at him again, as if their perfect vacation was all up to him. Ralph glowered at Jack. Was this his plan? Force him back on the island by social convention? Did he simply exist to get under Ralph’s skin?

He wasn’t going to let Jack win. Little did he know, Jack’s open invitation was exactly what Ralph needed to get his proof.

He forced a smile. “Sounds fun.”

### 

“I’m so excited,” Lydia said on the drive home.

Her car was much cleaner now that Ralph had been riding it each day. He slowly took out the trash and scrubbed the marks away. There was still a musty scent that hung in the air. But besides that, Ralph felt like he could actually breathe in the little vehicle.

“I haven’t been on holiday in so long,” she said, a bit of a hum to her voice. She was still riding the wave of the night, having been swept up in Jack’s hysteria. “Have you ever been to an island?”

Instantly, the words pierced through her daze. She got this horrified look on her face as she realized what she just said.

Ralph’s shoulders tensed, but honestly, he was a bit relieved. At least now he knew that Lydia at least was aware of what had happened to him. Given her wide-eyed expression, she recognized that it was bad.

She sputtered, “S-sorry, I completely forgot. It’s just that Robbi was so excited and I-”

“It’s fine,” Ralph said.

Without taking her eyes off the road, she patted around the dashboard. “I can call Robbi right now and tell her we won’t go if you-”

“I said it’s fine,” he said, a bit firmer this time. “It’ll be nice to go to an island again.”

This seemed to calm her a bit. She pressed her lips together. “Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t have agreed if I wasn’t,” he said.

“Oh, damn, I can’t believe that Jack put you on the spot,” she said. “What’s his deal anyways?”

“That’s just Jack, I guess,” he said. He didn’t want to talk about it, but he knew that voicing this would only lead her closer to a conclusion Ralph wanted to avoid. “He probably saw me looking uncomfortable and wanted to make sure I was okay with it. He’s annoyingly good at picking up on things like that.”

Lydia nodded. Then, she paused. “You’re really okay with going to an island?”

For some reason, he hadn’t really considered this before. Was he okay with going to an island? Just being near the ocean almost gave him a panic attack. With the tribe, and the chant, and Jack, being on an island might break him.

But there was also a little boy out there that was missing.

“Yeah,” Ralph said. “It’ll be okay.”

She paused again, biting at her lip. The hum of the car offered enough background noise to not feel the silence, but it was still there. It put distance between them. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“What?”

“The island, you know,” she said. “I can’t even imagine...that. But, if you need someone to vent to or whatever, I’m always down to listen.”

That was the last thing he wanted to do. “I’m kind of done talking about the island,” he said. “I mean, I spent three years in an institute doing nothing but talking about that island.”

“Right,” she said.

“But thanks for the offer,” he was quick to add.

She smiled. “Anytime.”

“It was a good poem,” he said.

Her smile turned sad. “Thanks.”

And then the silence grew so much that it overtook both of them and swallowed them whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the song that Jack sings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u7lz_-SP4


	7. Chapter 7

Ralph was fine with shopping as long as Jack wasn’t there. And he wasn’t. Marco and Robin were actually decent people to hang out with, as it turned out, as long as Jack wasn’t there. And he wasn’t.

But as Marco and he sat outside the dressing room as Lydia and Robin tried on their third round of swimsuits, Ralph couldn’t stop looking over his shoulder. Any minute now, Jack was going to stroll up with that toothy grin and say something dumb like, ‘Hey! What are the odds?’

Ralph hated the odds.

Marco was swiping on his phone, oblivious to any potential Jack situations. Ralph’s leg bounced as he sat there. The bench that they sat on offered no lumbar support, causing his back to ache.

Finally, Lydia and Robin stepped out from around the corner, a couple of bikinis thrown over their arms. Marco didn’t even look up.

“Urg, I swear this store has nothing good,” Robin said.

“I thought you looked good in the watermelon one,” Lydia said.

“I can’t show up in a watermelon! What am I, five?” Robin asked. Ralph had never seen her this agitated. She must take swimsuits very seriously.

“You know, guys are going for younger and younger these days,” Marco said, smirking as he stared at his phone screen.

Robin made a face. “Gross.”

“Do you want to try Equus? They might have something,” Lydia said.

Ralph wasn’t sure if going to more shops would help his chances of avoiding Jack or increase it. On one hand, if Jack was following them, then switching locations would work to their advantage. On the other hand, if he was just out in town, the more places they went to, the more likely they were to go to one that he was at.

“Equus isn’t going to have anything in the middle of winter!” Robin said.

“It’s technically spring,” Marco said.

Robin put a hand on her forehead. “I’m running out of time. Why did we agree to go to an island? I wasn’t going to start working on my summer body for at least two more months.”

“You look amazing,” Lydia said, but Robin wasn’t hearing it.

“It’s cool. It’s fine,” she said. She tossed the bikinis into a nearby bin with a polite sign. Then, she waved her hands. “It’s just this new diet is killing me.” Without warning, she jumped over to the bench, sat right next to Ralph, and threw her arms around him. “Ralphie! Teach me your ways!”

Ralph shifted uncomfortably. “What?”  
“How do you stay so skinny?” Robin said. It wasn’t a question. It was half-way between a compliment and a complaint. She pulled back. “I swear, I, like, never see you eat.”

“I just don’t really get hungry,” he said.

Marco looked up, taking in the situation. Then, he rolled his eyes and turned back to his phone. “Leave him alone, Robbi.”

“Nuh-uh,” she shook her head. Then, she held up a finger and pushed it in Ralph’s face. “This is an intervention.”

“It is?” Ralph asked.

“No,” Lydia and Marco said in time. Marco’s head perked up when he noticed. They locked eyes for a moment before turning back to Robin’s antics.

She tried to lean back, but the bench wasn’t long enough. Her arms bounced up to keep her balance. Then, she crossed her arms. “It’s just not fair. That’s what it is.”

“Sorry,” Ralph muttered.

Robin’s shoulders dropped. “Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.”

Ralph was shocked. This was the most genuine emotion he had ever heard from Robin. Maybe this diet was really messing with her head.

“Why don’t we just order a bunch of clothes online and then try them on when they get here?” Lydia offered. She used that same tone that she used with Ralph sometimes. It was like a kindergarten teacher trying to distract the kids from the fact that their parents weren’t coming back anytime soon.

Robin nodded. Perhaps she was one of those kids who could use a distraction so they could get back to bouncing and playing, their parents completely forgotten.

Ralph couldn’t forget. He knew his parents weren’t coming back.

“Yeah, this place sucks anyway,” Robin said. Then, she paused. She pointed to the stack of bikinis in Lydia’s hands. “You should buy the yellow one. It’s super cute.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Lydia said.

“I know you don’t like bold colors, but Lydie, you look drop dead gorgeous in yellow.”

“Ditto,” Marco said.

Lydia’s face lit up. She didn’t need the golden bikini in order to glow. “Really?”

“Totally,” Robin said.

Ralph cringed. He was used to associating that word with lying. But, when Robin said it, Lydia’s happiness overflowed. She stood there, beaming, and nodded.

“Sure, yeah. Fuck it. I’m gonna get it,” Lydia said.

“Yay!” Robin said. She stood up and bonded over to Lydia. “Come on, let’s go before you change your mind!”

“Oh, okay-” Lydia said, but Robin was already pulling her away.

And then it was just Marco and Ralph again. Ralph started to stand up to follow them.

“You really should eat sometimes,” Marco said.

Ralph looked over to see Marco tucking his phone into his pocket. He stood up in a nonchalant manner. Without looking at Ralph, he continued, “For Lydia’s sake.”

Ralph wasn’t sure he understood, but he nodded anyway.

Then, Marco started after the girls.

Ralph took one last look over his shoulder, almost convinced that he would see Jack standing there. He would have seen the whole affair and would be holding back a laugh. What he would find so amusing would be beyond Ralph, but it would deeply trouble him. He would grit his teeth, unable to do anything with Lydia’s friends around the corner.

But what he saw instead might have been worse than Jack. There, in the middle of the tiled aisle, was a pale, white horse.

Its hair was already ablaze as its emotionless eyes stared at Ralph. He didn’t know how long the creature had been standing there, but all anger that he felt towards Jack vanished in its sight.

Ralph held up his hands. The flames on its mane kept flickering to the clothing racks, threatening to set them on fire. If something happened here, it would be...bad.

“Easy,” he said. That was something people said to horses, right?

The creature looked away from him, its long snout pointing to something in the distance. Ralph followed its gaze, but there was nothing but clothes and advertisements for other clothes. When he turned back to ask the horse what it was trying to tell him, the animal was gone.

Ralph stood alone in the aisle, his hands raised to soothe something nonexistent. Of course. The horse wasn’t real. He was just wasting his time.

He spun around and ran after the others.

### 

They went home after that. At the check-out, Robin had decided to buy the watermelon bikini.

“Just in case,” she had said.

And then Lydia drove Ralph home, chatting the whole time about what she and ‘Robbi’ wanted to do on the holiday. He listened dutifully, but he kinda wished he hadn’t made such a big deal about being over the island. Splashing in the waves, exploring the local forests, building a bonfire...he had vivid images of each. Memories that he’d rather not return to.

But then they were back at her apartment complex and the sun was still up and everything was mostly okay.

They had just made it inside and set down the bags when there was a knock on Lydia. The two looked at each other. There was a silent exchange. ‘Were you expecting anyone?’ ‘No. Were you expecting anyone?’ ‘No.’

And yet, the knocking continued. Normally, Ralph would just pretend to not be home. But, given the lights and the fact that they had just walked in, that was a fact that they could not deny.

So, Lydia gave a little shrug and a look like, ‘Might as well see who it is.’ Then, she walked to the door.

Ralph stood back in the doorway to her room. From here, he could see Lydia but not outside the door. She looked through the peephole and frowned. She looked back at Ralph who just raised his shoulders in an ‘I don’t know’ motion. Then, she opened the door.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“Oh, um, sorry,” the voice outside the door stuttered. It was a low voice. Male. “Is Ralph here?”

In a smooth act of betrayal, Lydia looked over, right at Ralph. He tried to give her a look that communicated ‘for the love of everything holy don’t tell someone that I’m here’ but apparently their mind link had been broken.

She turned back to the mystery man with a grin. “Yes, he is. Are you a friend of his?”

“Yeah,” the man said. Ralph could hear the smile in his tone. “I’m Josh. We met in college.”

“Of course, Josh!” she said. “I think Ralph mentioned you.”

Ralph had not mentioned Josh.

“He did?” Josh said. Ralph was kicking himself not remembering his voice now. He hadn’t even noticed the British accent.

“Why don’t you come on in,” she said, stepping aside. “I put on some tea.”

“Thanks,” Josh said.

Before he could be seen, Ralph slipped into Lydia’s room. He felt the floor shift as Josh walked into the apartment. As he stood there in the darkness of the bedroom, he realized that his list of people-Ralph-really-didn’t-want-to-talk-to was reaching an impressive length.

But he couldn’t just leave Lydia to deal with Josh on her own. That wasn’t fair to her. So, he took a deep breath and stepped out of the room like he had no idea they had company.

Lydia stood in the kitchen, which was really just the other side of the living room. She filled a kettle with water. When she saw Ralph, she nodded to the two couches arranged in the corner. On one of the couches, Josh was sat with that same dumb jacket he always wears. His backpack was set at his feet, the same one he brought to class. He even had the same band pins on it. Seeing him awkwardly glancing around the room made Ralph feel like he was back in college.

It was not a great feeling.

But then Josh looked over at him. The awkwardness disappeared, replaced with absolute dorkiness. Josh gave Ralph the goofiest grin he’d ever since, like a dog whose owner had just come home.

“Hey, Josh,” Ralph said, attempting to sound nonchalant.

“Hi, Ralph!” he said. He stood up, almost bouncing. A foot stepped forward.

Ralph had seen Robin glomp enough people to be justified in his fears.

Josh must have picked up on his hesitation because he stayed by the couch. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going good,” Ralph said. Conversation with Josh had never been easy, but it had always been better when Josh was comfortable enough to talk for the both of them. This new, quieter Josh was making Ralph’s anxiety grow. “What are you doing in America?”

“Oh, well, I don’t have many classes this semester so I had an extra long spring break,” Josh said. “I was thinking about coming to America, so I thought I’d stop by and say hi.”

Ralph was beginning to regret muting their text conversation.

“That’s so sweet,” Lydia said. She turned off the water and moved the kettle to the stove. The knobs clicked as she switched the eye on.

“Yeah,” Ralph said. “How did you know I was here?”

“I stopped by your aunt’s place.” He said. Then, his eyes widened. “Oh, right.” He dug through his backpack. “She told me you were here and asked me to bring these to you.” He pulled out a plastic bag full of pill bottles.

That dread spread throughout Ralph’s body.

Lydia turned away from the kitchen and stared at the bag. Then, she looked at Ralph with those worried eyes hiding behind a smile. “I didn’t know you were supposed to be taking pills.”

“I don’t really need them,” Ralph said. His body felt stiff and rigid as he stood there. He forced himself to move to the couches. “But, thanks,” he said.

“No problem,” Josh said. He offered the bag to Ralph.

The bottles cluttered together as Ralph took it. The chemical-altering pills rolled around like a thousand tiny maggots. They wanted his flesh.

He set the bag on the table and took a seat on the other couch.

“Oh my goodness, I totally forgot,” Lydia said. “Aunt Polly did text me and tell me that a friend of Ralph’s was going to be in town.”

This seemed to ease some of Josh’s nerves.

“You know, it’s nice to have another Brit around,” she said.

“Oh, are you from England too?” Josh asked.

“Born and raised,” she said. “Well, until I was like twelve. But I still think of London as home.”

“It’s a great city,” Josh said.

“So you two meet in college?” she asked, walking around the kitchen counter and over to the couches.

Josh nodded. “We were in the same program.”

She leaned over the back of Ralph’s couch. “How fun! Ralph never talks about college.”

“It’s pretty boring, to be honest,” Josh said. “Just a bunch of assignments and classes.”

“Man, wait until you get into the workforce,” she said. “That’s just boring with a capital B.”

“Can’t wait,” Josh said with a bit of a laugh. He looked at Ralph. “So you’re working now.”

Ralph nodded.

“We work at this boring storage unit place,” she said. “Like, seriously, we’re never busy.”

“That’s good,” Josh said. “Who wants to be busy.”

“Uh, me when it’s been five hours since I’ve seen another human being because it’s a slow day.” Lydia laughed.

Josh laughed along, but Ralph didn’t really think it was that funny. The conversation continued like that with Lydia and Josh chatting like it was they were the ones that were old friends. Eventually, there was a shrill whistle and Lydia went back to finish the tea.

Josh sat more comfortably now, his shoulders relaxed and his hands on either side of him. He looked at Ralph. “It really is nice to see you again.”

“Yeah,” Ralph said.

“Sorry for just showing up out of the blue,” he said. “I sent you a text, but you must have gotten a new phone or something.”

“Yeah, my old number doesn’t work here,” Ralph said. It wasn’t entirely a lie. He just hadn’t bothered to get a number phone yet.

Josh’s hand went to his pocket and Ralph knew the question before Josh asked it.

“And I haven’t bothered to get a new phone yet,” Ralph said. “Cause, I don’t really use my phone much anyway.”

His hand lowered. “Oh. Yeah. That makes sense,” Josh said, a bit bashful.

Lydia brought over three cups of steaming tea. Ralph was about to turn down the offer, but then he remembered what Marco had said. He took the hot mug, feeling the warmth practically burn his fingers.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Yeah, thank you,” Josh said, taking his cup.

“No problem,” Lydia said. She moved around and sat next to Ralph. “So how long are you staying?”

“I’m not really sure,” Josh said. “I got a room for the week. Thought I’d explore the city a bit. Maybe go hiking.”

Lydia got that look on her face like she just put the final piece on a puzzle. “You should come on holiday with us!”

If Ralph was more confident, he would shoot down this immediately. If Lydia didn’t get so caught up in the moment, she wouldn’t have suggested it in the first place. If Josh did things that made sense, he would haven’t have said:

“Sure, where are you going?”

“We’re going to this island in the gulf. It’s kind of expensive, but we’re going with this big group that’s actually led by an old friend of Ralph’s,” she said. “Jack said to invite everyone we knew and really make a trip out of it.”

“Wow, an island?” Josh asked, leaning forward.

“Yeah, Friesia Island, I think,” she said. “It’s just a big tourist-y place, but it sounds like a lot of fun. We’re going this weekend. You should totally come with!”

There was a moment where Josh considered this. Ralph prayed silently that he would say no.

“I suppose I don’t have any other plans for the weekend,” Josh said.

“Yay!” Lydia said, throwing her hands in the air. “This is going to be great!” she said.

“Yeah, great,” Ralph said, but his sarcasm was lost on them.

### 

It was dark outside by the time that Josh left. Lydia and he got along really well, as both seemed to really want to make the other happy. In fact, they were annoyingly similar.

Once it was finally just the two of them, she turned to Ralph with a grin like she had just given him the keys to the moon.

“Why did you invite Josh to come with us?” Ralph asked.

Her grin vanished. “I thought you’d want to have a friend there.”

“Josh and I aren’t friends anymore,” he said.

“Oh,” she said, looking more nervous by the second. “I thought Josh was really sweet. Did the two of you have a falling out or something?”

“No,” he said. “It’s just - we’re not going to the same school anymore.”

“Yeah?”

“So it’s not like there’s really a point to being friends.”

She pressed her lips together, her wide, deep blue eyes studying every inch of his face. “Did we stop being friends after I moved to America?”

“What? No, of course not,” he said.

“So what’s the difference?”

“You’re my cousin. You have to be friends with me.”

“And Josh doesn’t?”

Ralph folded his arms. “There’s just...a level of risk I guess. Friends come and go.”

The only emotion left on her face was pity. “Josh really cares about you. You can see that, right?”

Ralph shrugged.

“He came all the way to America for you!”

“He only came to America because it was spring break.”

Lydia frowned at him. They both knew that wasn’t true.

“I’m sorry for inviting him without checking with you first,” she said. “But I think this could be really good for you.”

He sighed. “I guess.”

“Just you wait. We’re all gonna have so much fun on the island, it’s going to be ridiculous,” she said. “I promise.”

Ralph really hoped she was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I didn't mean to pull an April Fool's joke and say I was gonna post on the first and then post on the second. Things have just been so crazy with COVID-19 that I forgot to post.
> 
> I'm thinking about changing the ending, but it's hard to gage people's reactions to the story so far. If you have thoughts, please feel free to let me know in the comments! Honestly, getting comments makes my day ^^


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph goes to an island with Jack.

There were moments when Ralph felt like he was truly alone. Of course, on any given day, there were plenty of times when he was the only person around, but there were few moments in which he felt it. The realization would creep up on him like water turning from cold to hot as he held his hand under the faucet. And before Ralph could jerk his arm back, he would be burned.

These were the moments in which the horse’s presence was undeniable. He could feel it, like when you know your friend is sneaking up behind you even before you hear the squeak of the floorboard as they pounce. Now, there were distance whining noises and the clopping of hooves. But, whatever it was that the creature was doing, it wasn’t getting close enough for Ralph to see.

Not yet.

Josh’s puppy-like behavior only increased as they went to the airport together. The man would not leave his side. Anywhere Ralph sat, Josh sat next to him. Any store Ralph went into, Josh would buy something.

Lydia thought it was cute. She didn’t say anything, but they kept having those wordless conversations. Ralph’s gaze would jerk between Josh and her as if to beg her to do something about it. Her eyes would get that mischievous glint to it, and she’d just wink at him. Absolutely useless. It was her fault for inviting him to come along. The least she could do was show a little responsibility.

And then, on the plane, Josh fell asleep on his shoulder.

Lydia took a picture.

It was the worst.

By the time they actually arrived at the island, Ralph was annoyed enough to actually be able to brave the coarse sand and ocean breeze. Well, almost. Just stepping outside the airport and seeing the ocean sprawling out in front of him…

His face paled. All his energy left him as if it was being sucked from his fingertips. He would have fainted if Josh hadn’t rushed past him like a dog that had been let off his leash.

“Wow, look at that!” Josh said. “It’s actually sparkling!”

“Damn,” Lydia said, walking up to him. Her eyes were pure sapphire in the blue glow of the island.

They watched as Josh pulled out his phone and started taking photos.

Lydia bit the edge of her lip as she turned to Ralph. “You okay?”

Ralph nodded. “I’ll be fine.”

“Right. Totally,” she said, her gaze returning to the water. A buzz came from her pocket. She pulled out her phone. “Robbi says they just checked in.”

“We should get going then,” he said. His suitcase bounced as he dragged it out of the airport. It was intentionally void of any pills.

“Yeah,” Lydia said.

The hotel that Robin had booked was significantly out of Lydia’s and his paycheck, but Marco’s family was paying for the whole thing, so they didn’t have to worry. Ralph would have never pegged Marco as a rich kid, especially since he spent all his time with Robin. But he wasn’t one to judge.

Josh was overly excited about everything they came in contact with. It wasn’t just a beach, it was the “prettiest thing he’d ever seen.” It wasn’t just a room, it was the “softest bed he’d ever laid on.” And Ralph and Lydia weren’t just his old friend and his old friend’s cousin, they were “the nicest people he’d ever hung out with.”

And then there was Jack. There was a big bonfire tonight, something to kick off the holiday. Ralph wasn’t looking forward to being back on the beach with Jack in the light of a fire. But, he had come this far. He wasn’t going to back down now.

So, they dumped their stuff in the room and changed into clothes more appropriate for beach attire. The sun was low in the sky by the time they headed out for the location that Robin sent them.

It was unbearably hot outside. The sun heated up the loose overshirt that Ralph wore. It simmered on his skin, tempting him to take it off. But, he didn’t feel like explaining all the little white scars that traced his arms and chest. Especially not here.

And, of course, they had to walk there. None of them had the money to rent a car or call a cab, and Lydia wasn’t about to bother Marco about it.

The place they were supposed to meet was really out of the way. It must have been if they were going to set up a bonfire, which Ralph wasn’t entirely sure was legal. They took several wrong turns along the way. By the time they finally found the others, the fire had already been started.

It was strange. As Ralph stood at the top of the hill, looking down on a bonfire by the beach, a feeling of comfort washed over him. They had the fire. They were safe.

It was safe.

Then, Lydia was pulling him down the slope to the mass of people that were crowded around the orange light. Ralph wasn’t sure this was the right group. After all, there were much more people here than there were on the hike. So many unfamiliar faces, and yet the whole affair felt like an old memory.

That’s when it hit him. There were about as many people here as there were on the island. Jack had really gone and done it. He had recreated the island. Was this his plan all along? Was he going to finish what he started?

Was Jack going to get them to kill Ralph?

The fire’s warmth didn’t feel comforting anymore. In fact, it was overwhelming in the heat of the sun. Ralph had just about turned to bolt when he heard it: the whine.

He looked away from the fire. There, standing in the water, was a pale, white horse. He could see every tiny hair of its fur. The creature’s mane blew softly in the wind, reflected in the waves that lapped at its hooves. Its offer was unspoken but clear. This was his escape.

He remembered the dream he had on their first hike. The boy with a birthmark was still gone. He still had a job to do. He couldn’t afford to run away.

“Hey, earth to Ralph!” Robin said.

He was standing beside Lydia, Josh cowering by him. Robin and Marco were in front of them, beers in hand. In fact, Lydia and Josh had drinks too. Robin held a cold one out to Ralph. She shook the bottle, causing drops of water to fall off and seep into the sand below.

“Oh, thanks,” he said. He took the beer.

“But there’s some pizza by the punch if you’re hungry,” Robin said, clearing having picked up from an earlier conversation. “Lydie, you’ve got to meet Marnie. She’s super cute and single.” She winked at Lydia.

“Ooh, tempting,” Lydia said.

Robin reached out. Lydia held up her hand and Robin pulled her away. She waved back to them. “It was nice to meet you, John!”

Josh raised his hand, waving back with a smile that Ralph wouldn’t expect from someone who just got called the wrong name.

Marco took a swing of his beer and then shrugged. “I better go make sure they don’t scare Marnie off.”

“Okay,” Ralph said.

Marco lifted two fingers off his drink in a half-salute, half-wave motion. Then, he walked off, leaving Ralph alone with Josh.

“Your friends seem nice,” Josh said.

“They’re not my friends. They’re Lydia’s,” Ralph said. He swung around the contents of the bottle, not bothering to open it.

“Oh,” Josh said. He watched the fire for a moment. Then, he looked back at Ralph. “You wanna get pizza?”

Ralph shrugged. He wasn’t really hungry. Eating would mean getting thirsty. Being thirsty would mean drinking. Drinking could mean getting drunk. That wasn’t really on his agenda tonight.

Josh frowned and sipped his drink. It was obvious that he wanted pizza. He probably wasn’t going to get anything if Ralph didn’t.

“I guess pizza sounds good,” Ralph said.

Josh perked up as Ralph began to move. “I hope they have sausage.”

They walked over to the punch where there were boxes of pizza stacked up. There were even more empty boxes thrown on the ground below. Ralph opened a couple and made a face. Either there was only ham pizza left, or Jack had only ordered ham. Ralph wasn’t sure which was more likely.

“It’s okay,” Josh said, picking up on Ralph’s unease. “I like Canadian bacon too.”

Ralph nodded and stepped aside.

Josh grabbed a paper plate and a couple of slices.

They stood there by the table for a bit. All around them, people engaged in loud conversations. Their mouths formed syllables into sentences that had no meaning to Ralph. He wasn’t sure they were even speaking English.

And all along, Josh stood next to him. The eerie familiarness crept up on him again. As Ralph watched the fire reflect in Josh’s glasses, it occurred to him that Josh was quite similar to Piggy. Aside from the spectacles and similar frame, there was that underlying intelligence they both bore. It was more inconvenient than impressive. Still, they both saw something in Ralph. Something that Ralph had never seen in himself. Something that time and time again, Ralph proved they were wrong about.

He didn’t really know what though.

The moment he was dreading arrived. His view of the fire was obstructed by a tall figure that stepped up to him and Josh. His yellow teeth shone in the darkness, despite being backlit by the roaring flames. A half-empty bottle was in his grip.

“Hey, Ralph! How’s it going?” Jack asked.

Ralph fought to keep a scowl off his face. “It’s fine.”

Jack glanced at Josh, his grin widening. “You brought a friend.”

“Hi,” Josh said, holding out a hand. “I’m Josh.”

“Jack.” He took the hand and gave it a firm shake. “Jake Merridew.”

“Oh, so you’re Jack,” Josh said.

Jack’s sinister gaze moved back to Ralph. “Did Ralph tell you about me already?”

“Actually, Robin was telling us about you,” Josh said. He looked over at Ralph with that innocent smile. “Ralph never tells me about his friends.”

It was like watching a wolf sweet talk a rabbit. Ralph wanted to step in, but he was still wary of those sharp teeth.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” Jack said. He held up his bottle. “Any bud of Ralph is a buddy of mine.”

“Same here,” Josh said, raising his own drink.

They clinked their beers together, and then each took a swing.

Ralph’s grip on his own bottle tightened.

“We were just about to start a game of Never Have I Ever,” Jake said. He threw back a thumb.

There were a couple of people around one corner of the fire. He could see Robin’s dramatic hand movements as she spoke to Marco and Lydia. The girl that sat next to her had the aesthetic of a lumberjack. That must have been Marnie, and - given the space between her and Lydia - Ralph figured they didn’t exactly hit it off. There were more people sitting with them that Ralph recognized from the hike and a few that he didn’t.

“Oh really? I’m great at that game!” Josh said. He turned his beaming smile on Ralph, eyes full of expectations that Ralph couldn’t meet.

“Sounds fun,” Ralph found himself saying.

And then, they were walking over with Jack. The little group cheered when Jack came into view. Ralph took a seat next to Lydia. Josh sat down next to him. Jack slipped in between Marnie and Robin, but neither seemed to mind.

“How exactly do we play?” Lydia asked.

A couple of them gave her confused looks as a shuffle of giggles spread between them.

“I don’t know, are we doing five fingers or ten?” Robin asked. She held up both hands, showing off all her fingers. She balled up her left fist, then flexed her fingers back open. She did this a couple of times until Jack spoke up.

“I’m thinking five. Keep it classic,” he said.

They looked among each other with approving nods. Then, each one of them held up a hand full of fingers. Ralph complied, raising his own right hand.

“Basically, we go in a circle saying something that we’ve never done,” Jack explained. “If you’ve done the thing the person says, then you have to put down your finger. If no one puts down a finger, or if someone can prove that the person has done that thing, then they have to put down their own finger.”

“And no targeting!” Robin said, rather adamantly. “So no, ‘never have I ever been a girl named Robin’ or ‘never have I ever stuck a banana in my asshole.’”

There was snickering from the others.

“Everyone got it?” Jack asked.

They nodded.

Jack looked directly at Lydia. She sat up under his gaze, smiling up at him. She nodded.

“Alright, who wants to go first?” Jack asked.

Robin raised her hand. “I’ll go!” she said. She bought her hand back to shoulder height and used the other to tap her chin. “Hm, never have I ever listened to a Drake album.”

A couple of fingers went down, but no one that Ralph knew.

Satisfied, Robin looked at Jack. He shook and nodded to Marco.

He took in a breath. “Okay. Never have I ever posted on Instagram.”

Robin made a motion like she’d been stabbed as she put down a finger. “Only because you’re a coward!”

Still, that managed to get a lot of people to put a finger down. Only Marco, Jack, and Ralph had a full hand now.

Lydia was up next. “Never have I ever had a crush on a guy.”

A lot of the girls rolled their eyes as they put down their fingers.

“You caught me,” Jack said with a smirk as he put down a finger. The girls squealed in delight of the thought alone. He was staring at Ralph now, the only one with a full hand.

Oh yeah, Josh put down a finger too.

It was Ralph’s turn. He should have prepared one. “Never have I ever…” he said. It shouldn’t have been hard, but the overwhelming amount of things that he had not done made the choice hard to narrow down. “...been to Disneyland.”

“Never?” Robin’s eyes went wide.

Ralph shrugged. “I’ve never been to America before this.”

“That’s a damn shame.” Robin shook her head.

He managed to get a lot of fingers down. Then, it was Josh’s turn.

“Never have I ever been to an island before this,” he said.

Jack and Ralph exchanged glances. With a wink, Jack put down a finger.

Ralph had to bite the inside of his lip to keep himself calm. He put down a finger, the first finger of the game.

A couple of people were out now. Robin was down to one finger.

He didn’t recognize the next couple of people that went. They said your typical scandalous stuff that got a couple of people out to bouts of laughter and playful jeering. Ralph didn’t put any more fingers down.

Somehow, by the time it got around to Jack, only he and Ralph were left. Jack had two fingers left and Ralph had four. It should have been an easy game.

Jack smirked at Ralph. “Never have I ever been to England,” Jack said.

“That’s targeting!” Robin said.

“There are at least three Brits here, Robbi. I’m not targeting Ralph alone,” Jack said. “Besides, this is end game. I think I’m allowed a little strategy.”

Robin shrugged, but Ralph still felt it was a bit unfair.

Lydia’s eyebrows burrowed, but she said nothing.

Ralph put down a finger. If Jack was gonna play dirty, so was he. “Never have I ever worn face paint.”

Jack’s smile faltered for a second, his eyes getting that hazy look. Then, he pushed the edge of his mouth up and put down a finger. “Touché.”

Robin leaned over to Lydia and whispered loud enough for him to hear. “Is that targeting?”

“I dunno,” she said.

“Never have I ever built a shelter,” Jack said.

Ralph put down a finger and quickly hit him with another. “Never have I ever organized a feast.”

“I promise you that none of the feasts I’ve attended are organized,” Jack said with a laugh.

“Come you, you know what I mean,” Ralph said.

“Put down the finger, Ralphie,” Robin said.

Begrudgingly, he lowered a finger. They both had only left.

“This is getting intense,” someone whispered.

“Never have I ever…” Jack said. He made a big motion of thinking. “Had my tribe abandon me for a better leader.”

Ralph grit his teeth. “That wasn’t a tribe. That was civilization.”

“Oh, sorry.” Jack rolled his eyes. “Never have I ever had my _civilization_ abandon me for a better leader.”

“Well, never have I ever felt threatened by the guy a decade later,” Ralph said.

“Sorry, Ralphie, but you’re out,” Robin said.

He had gotten so caught up, that he hadn’t even noticed how they were all leaning into their argument, trying to pick up on the details.

“I guess I win,” Jack said. But the way he smiled added another word to his statement: ‘again.’

“Hey,” Lydia said. “If you’ve never been to England, then how do you know Jack?”

The others were piecing together what she was asking. ‘Oh yeah, Ralph said he’s never been to America before this.’ ‘But Jack said he’s never been to England.’ ‘They obviously know each other.’

And then all eyes were turned to Jack. He just put a finger over his mouth. “It’s a secret.”

There were some groans and pleads to give them an answer, but Jack was unmoved.

“Let’s play something else,” Jack said.

“How about ‘what would bring to a deserted island’?” Robin asked. “You know, given the setting.”

“Perfect,” Ralph muttered, but he doubted anyone heard it.

“You go in a circle saying what we’d bring to a deserted island,” Robin said. “I’ll go first. I’d bring my copy of _Fifty Shades of Grey._ ”

“Gross,” Marco said.

“I cannot live without that book!” Robin said. “Besides, you gotta do something if you’re stuck on the island.” She winked at Marco. Then, she looked at Lydia. “Your turn.”

Lydia glanced at Ralph for a second. Her voice was a bit shaky. “I don’t know about this game.”

“It’s fine,” Ralph said.

She pressed her lips together. “Okay,” she said. “Well, maybe like a tent? I’d hate it if it rained.”

“Resourceful,” Jack said. “I like it.”

“I’d bring a boat,” Marco said, a sort of know-it-all grin on his face.

There were some eyerolls from the others, but Jack just nodded. “Fair.” He looked at Ralph. “Ralph?”

“Matches,” he said.

The others looked confused.

“If you light a fire, then the smoke will alert passing ships that you’re there,” Ralph said. “That’s the idea, anyways. So, yeah, matches.”

“What, are glasses not good enough for you?” Jack asked.

Ralph picked up a stray pebble and chucked it into the fire. “I don’t know, you were the one who was so desperate to steal them.”

“Oh shit,” Lydia said. She said it quietly, but her pale face drew the attention of everyone to her. She looked over at Jack, then at Ralph. “Is that where you know each other from?”

Ralph’s hand was wrapped around another rock. He froze.

Jack was uncharacteristically quiet. His gaze was fixed on the fire.

“Know each other from where?” Robin asked.

“The island,” Lydia said. Then, she let some of her hair fall into her face as she scrunched her shoulders to her ears. “I mean, the other island. The one that Ralph got trapped on with all those other boys.”

They broke into muttering. ‘Trapped on an island?’ ‘Which Jack? I think I’d survive.’ ‘What happened?’

Jack gave Ralph a smile, but it wasn’t full. In fact, he looked a little sad. “Well, Ralph. Looks like the jig is up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes, finally we get to that sweet, sweet reveal. Can't wait to see the aftermath of this.
> 
> Enough time has passed now that I was actually able to read through this chapter. Now I'm worried just how many typos there are in past chapters. I mean, I literally just started calling Jack "Jake" for a full-page for no reason. I'll have to do a full pass eventually. This was a fun chapter to write. I actually wrote the rest of this fanfic all in one day. There's just two more chapters left, so I hope you've enjoyed reading so far.
> 
> Next update: April 15, 2020


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final confrontation.

The people had smelled the blood of drama, and now they demanded the body of a story. When Jack offered none, their eyes swarmed back to Lydia.

“I never really got the details,” she muttered. “My parents refused to talk about it.”

And the attention was off of her. Their whispers fought to reach Ralph’s ears, but the whole thing was too overwhelming. Meanwhile, Jack just sat there. The big bad wolf, always avoiding the truth with his web of compliments.

“I had my suspicions,” Marco said.

This was unexpected for everyone. But, if Marco should be the messenger, they were ready to listen. Stakes by their side. Sharpened at both ends.

He had his arms crossed over his chest. “The chant sounded familiar the first time I went out. I didn’t put the pieces together until Ralph came along. I heard you explaining the truth of the Beast to Lydia. I remembered this group of boys that got stuck on an island back when I was in middle school,” Marco said. “Their plane had malfunctioned and all the adults died in the crash. The kids were on a deserted island for a month before being saved. I was watching interviews and one of the kids insisted that a Beast lived on the island. They had this ritualistic dance and that chant. Apparently, it got really bad. A couple of kids died.”

“They didn’t die,” Ralph said. He was locked on Jack now as if seeing him would solidify his existence. “They were murdered.”

Jack’s smile was gone now. His face looked hollow in the low light. “Come on, Ralph. It was years ago.”

Ralph’s teeth ground together. He spoke each word carefully. “You tried to kill me.”

“We weren’t going to kill you!” Jack said, but his voice was a bit too high-pitched to be convincing. He held up his hands. “We were just playing.”

“Playing?” Ralph asked. “Were you playing when you set the island on fire to smoke me out?”

“That fire saved us,” Jack said.

“Were you playing when you killed Piggy?” Ralph asked.

Everyone was silent now. They stared at Jack as his sheep skin began to slip.

Jack shut his mouth in a tight frown. “That was an accident.”

“Were you playing when you killed Simon?”

“You killed Simon too!” Jack stood up. He was shouting now. Those who hadn’t been a part of the corner were taking notice. “We all killed Simon.”

The words hit Ralph like the boulder that killed Piggy. “No, I was outside of the circle,” he said. His voice wavered. “I was outside the circle. Piggy and I weren’t a part of your dance.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!” Jack said. He jabbed a finger at Ralph. “I saw you dancing along after the feast. You killed Simon just like the rest of us. You’re just as guilty as me!”

“I was outside the circle!” Ralph screamed, standing up to face Jack.

“Hey, guys, maybe we should calm down a bit,” Robin said. Her hands were raised in a defensive position. “Let’s talk about this like adults.”

“Oh, but you don’t get to do that on the island,” Ralph said. He looked at the others. “On the island, all you get are a bunch of savage children. And if you’re a threat to them, you better watch your back all day and all night because they’re coming and they’re going to kill you.” He met each of these eyes. “Do you know what that’s like? Having to sacrifice sleep and sanity for survival?”

He caught Lydia and Josh’s faces in the crowd. The anger that he felt simmered a bit as he saw their reaction. Josh was shocked, but Lydia...she just looked sad. So, deeply sad.

“Alright, you got me. Maybe we were going to kill you,” Jack said. “And who knows, maybe we would have if that naval officer hadn’t shown up. I’m sorry I probably tried to kill you. Are you happy now?”

It wasn’t sadness in her eyes. It was a pity. Any second now, she would give him that big, fake smile and tell him that everything was ‘totally’ fine.

The fire burned.

“You don’t get to apologize,” Ralph said. His voice was low, but it rose with every word. “You don’t get to sit there in your sick little recreation of the island and pretend like everything’s okay!”

“Oh, gosh, I’m _so_ sorry I tried to help you,” Jack said, sarcasm in every syllable.

“Help me? You’ve only ever helped yourself,” Ralph said.

“I don’t need to help myself,” Jack said. He held up his arms. “Look, I’m fine. You know why?”

Ralph glared at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of an answer.

“Because I don’t run away from my problems,” Jack said. “I face them head-on. I talk about the Beast. I go to islands. I have adjusted.” He put his hands on his hips. “Clearly you haven’t.”

“Of course I haven’t!” Ralph said. “They’re all dead because of you. Piggy’s dead because of your stupid tribe.”

“For fuck’s sake!” Jack laughed. “You haven’t changed one bit since the island. Piggy this. Piggy that. If you ask me, the world’s better off without that fat piece of shit.”

The rage that hit Ralph seared any rational thought that might have been left. He lunged at Jack, knocking them both to the ground. Ralph’s hands were wrapped around Jack’s neck, squeezing and pressing with all the strength he possessed. He was vaguely aware of the burning sensation in his left foot, but it barely registered.

Jack was flailing around like an idiot. He lost his teeth. Ralph was the chief now.

The only thing in existence was his hands around Jack’s neck. The screams, the tugs at his shirt, the white-pain in his foot, none of it was real. This was the only thing that was real.

And then, there was a neigh.

Ralph looked to his right, to the ocean. The horse stood there. The horse...wasn’t real.

He was screaming. He was yelling over and over again, “How does it feel?”

He shut his mouth. He took his hands off of Jack. He allowed himself to be pulled back.

His foot had been in the fire. His shoe had melted off. His toes were covered in burning plastic.

He was in the middle of the circle. They were circling around him. The circle meant they were going to kill him.

Jack didn’t move, but he laughed. Jack didn’t move, but he looked at Ralph. Jack didn’t move, but he said, “See? You know the Beast just as well as I do.”

The horse was there. The horse was there. The horse was right there.

Ralph took off running. His burnt foot pressed into the sand with every lunge, but he kept moving. He shut his eyes, feeling the dizzying air pull at his hair as he put as much distance between him and the tribe as possible.

He could smell smoke. No matter where he went, the scent filled his nostrils until he was coughing. He couldn’t breathe. The island was on fire.

He opened his eyes. He was standing in front of the ocean. And the horse was standing in front of him.

Its offer stood.

### 

Ralph woke up in a hospital bed. Muffled voices floated around his head as he fluttered to consciousness. He recognized the feminine voice with a slight American accent as Lydia. The full British voice had to Josh. The other one he didn’t recognize, but it sounded old. Probably a doctor.

He wasn’t completely sure why he was here, or why their words were so hard to discern. There didn’t seem to be any urgency to their tones, so he was tempted to let the haze of sleep take him away once more.

A couple of questions swirled in his mind like gnats on a hot day. He swatted them away absentmindedly, but they were so persistent, he had to take a closer look. Why was he in a hospital? Why was Josh here? Why did his foot hurt?

The answers were there in his memories. Once he was lucid enough to realize this, they came back to him.

Oh.

Right.

The older voice faded and then the door shut. He opened his eyes. Lydia and Josh were exchanging glances. Josh’s leg bounced. Lydia’s hands were in her lap. Her acrylics were gone, replaced by bitten down stubs.

Ralph turned his head to the other side, trying to figure out the source of the other voice. There was nothing but an empty hospital room this way. Outside the little window on the door, he saw a figure disappear. He must have just missed her.

The motion must have caught the two’s attention because Lydia took in a sharp breath.

“Ralph?” Lydia said. The name was spoken with the same tenderness of a mother seeing her son return from war.

Ralph turned back to them.

“You’re awake,” Josh said. He sounded relieved.

Ralph pushed himself up so he could see them easier. A pain shot through his body from his left foot, but it was nothing he couldn’t ignore.

“How are you feeling?” Lydia asked.

He considered this. He didn’t feel bad enough to be in a hospital again, that’s for sure. “Okay,” he said.

“How’s your foot?” she said.

He looked down the bed. There were covers over his feet, so he wasn’t really sure what was wrong. “It kinda hurts.”

Lydia frowned. “Kinda?”

Josh leaned forward. “The doctor said you have third degree burns on your left foot.”

“Oh,” Ralph said. His memories after Jack insulted Piggy were hazy. He remembered his hands gripping Jack’s throat. He remembered running and sand. He remembered water. And then, nothing.

There was a quiet hiccough from Lydia. She was crying. Her hands were balled up on her legs, her head hung forward so her teardrops fell on her jeans.

The weight of his actions fell on his shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“You almost drowned,” she said. There was a harshness to her words. It pricked at his heart, hurting more than his foot or heavy lungs.

Ralph pressed his lips together.

Lydia raised a hand to wipe at her face. “The doctor said you had a psychotic break.”

His shoulders sunk even further.

“When you said you weren’t taking your meds, I thought it was just, like, not serious meds. Like how I don’t take my antidepressants sometimes or how Robin sells her Adderall to college students,” Lydia said. The words spilled over her lips like water over rocks. “I didn’t know you were - you didn’t tell me that - I should have said something.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ralph said, but his voice sounded too quiet. He wasn’t sure that she could even hear him.

There were bags under Lydia’s eyes, untouched by foundation, as she looked up at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

If Ralph tried to write down all the things he didn’t tell Lydia, he would run out of paper. “About the schizophrenia or Jack?”

“About everything,” she asked. “I could have helped.” She glanced at Josh. “We could have helped.”

Josh nodded empathetically, but it was clear that he was still pretty shaken up too.

“I mean, if I knew that you were a paranoid schizophrenic off his meds going to an island with...I don’t know, a fellow islander? An old enemy?” she said. “I don’t know. We wouldn’t have come.”

“I didn’t want to worry you,” Ralph said.

“Well, color me worried,” she said. The harsh bitterness cut into Ralph, opening up like an old wound. Lydia instantly cringed and shook her head.

“It’s not like it was before though,” Ralph said. “I mean, I know the horse isn’t real.”

The way that their eyes turned to worry in an instance made Ralph regret his words.

“I suppose I should have said something,” he said.

“I knew you and Jack had history, but I didn’t know you had _island_ history,” she said.

“Please, just...stop,” Ralph said. He stared at the ugly title of the hospital floor. He meant to sound strong, but he just sounded tired and defeated. “I fucked up. I really fucked up. But it’s not your fault that I’m fucked up.”

“It’s not your fault that you’re fucked up either!” she said.

Ralph tried to come up with something to say, but nothing seemed right. “Am I in trouble?”

Lydia shook her head, not meeting his eyes. “Jack’s not pressing charges. He said that the two of you are even now.” Then, she lowered her voice to a whisper. “You almost died.”

He shrugged. “It wouldn’t be the first time I almost died on an island.”

It’s rare to find in a room of three a silence full of contemplation. Each was lost in their own thoughts, considering the events that had transpired. Despite the unity of that night, the splinters of memory were each unique enough to be completely different experiences.

“My parents never told me what happened,” Lydia said. “All I knew was that one day, Ralph was gone. They said that you died in a plane crash. I locked myself in the bedroom for the whole day and just cried.”

Ralph looked up at her. She had her fingers intertwined and held over her mouth, as if to block the words.

“But then, they said you had actually survived,” she continued. “They said that they found you on a burning island. I was so excited to see you again. But, then, we went to the hospital. I ran up to your bed, but you just looked right through me. And I realized that Ralph really was gone. It broke my heart all over again.”

Ralph didn’t remember that day. He had been so out of the year following the island.

“I always wondered what happened. It kept me up at night. What happened to that bright-eyed kid I knew? The one who was never afraid of anything? It wasn’t fair, but I missed him,” she said. “I thought I could make it up when you came here. I thought that maybe this was my chance to find that kid again. But, I still don’t know what happened. I’m just even more confused.”

Ralph never wanted to talk about the island again. He wanted to go home, wherever that was, and never think about anything ever again. But, Lydia didn’t deserve that. He owed her an explanation. “I don’t know where I’d even begin.”

“Who’s Piggy?” Josh asked. He’d been silent the whole time, but his question stirred Ralph’s insides, twisting them in knots and pulled them apart.

“Piggy was…” Ralph started to say, but he didn’t really know the answer to that sentence. How could he explain all that Piggy was in a sentence? He shut his mouth, and tried again. “Piggy didn’t deserve what happened to him. No one on the island did, but Piggy most of all…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was painful to reread, but overall, I'm still glad I wrote it. Tbh, it's kinda a problematic way of writing mental illness. I don't want to go into my own life too much, but let's just say I have my own experiences with mental issues. This was kinda therapeutic to write.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath.

It had been a month since the trip and Ralph was finally getting back to work. He really should have had another stay in a mental institution after what happened, but he insisted that nothing would happen now that he was back on his medicine. Besides, poor Lydia didn’t have the money.

“This feels good, right?” Lydia said. They were on their way to the storage unit place. Her car had once again become filthy, but it didn’t bother him nearly as much anymore. “It feels good to be bringing you to work again.”

“Yeah,” Ralph said. “It does.”

“You’re feeling okay?” she asked. There were no side glances or worried peaks in the mirror anymore. Her questions were confident now, demanding honest answers.

“I am a bit nervous,” he said.

“You’ll be _fine,_ ” she said, drawing out the last word with a grin. It wasn’t harsh, just a reminder to not overthink things. “I believe in you.”

“Do you believe in me or the lack of customers on a Wednesday?” he asked, a light-hearted smile tugging at his cheeks.

“Hm, a little of both,” Lydia said. “But mostly believing in you. You’ve really made a lot of progress.”

“Thanks,” he said. “It’s the meds.”

“Nah,” she said. She shook her head. “I’ve seen people on meds. They don’t fix everything. This one’s on you.”

The words felt good coming from Lydia. “Thank you,” he said. And he really meant it.

“Totally,” she said with a wink. She’d been making a point to use the word more ever since Ralph pointed out that she said it when she was lying. It made her significantly harder to read, but Ralph didn’t feel the need to overanalyze her words anymore.

Lydia cared about him. That’s all that mattered.

“Oh, and don’t forget, once you’re done, we’re going to What’s New Pussycat with Marco, Robbi, and Josh,” she said.

Josh had ended up staying in America. He had been really supportive over the past month. As it turned out, he was a really good listener. He spent a week doing research to find Ralph the perfect therapist. He got the perfect balance of hearing and suggesting with Dr. Felidae.

For the first time in his life, Ralph actually looked forward to his therapy sessions.

“Is that the place with the jukebox?” he asked.

Lydia nodded. “You know Robbi. She can’t get over their fries.”

“That’s Robbi for you,” Ralph said. He paused for a moment, then asked, “Are you going to tell her?”

She puffed out her lips. “I don’t know. I think I’m kinda over it.”

“Over Robbi?”

“I know, it sounds ridiculous,” she said. “But you can really only pine over one girl for so long.”

“And you’re never gonna tell her?”

“And give her that ego boost?” she asked. “Nah, mystery girl is gonna stay a mystery.”

“Fair.”

They drove up the hill and Lydia pulled into a parking spot. Ralph took a deep breath. Thoughts buzzed around his head, little anxious flies that tried to cloud his vision. He was prepared for this, reminding himself of everything that Dr. Felidae told him.

They walked in together. Ralph had a bit of a limp with his foot, but Lydia was always right there to catch him if he fell.

Ralph tried to feel comfortable at the lobby desk again, but the second he saw the computer screen, his eyes immediately went to the little icon for the security footage.

Lydia saw his hesitation and tilted her head. “You good?”

“Yeah, it’s just…” he cut himself off.

She gave him a smile, a simple reminder.

“This is going to sound a bit...silly,” he said. He tried to avoid the ‘c’ word. “But back when I first got here, this boy went missing. He had a birthmark like the first boy that died on the island.”

She nodded, giving him her full attention.

“I thought it was odd. Then, I noticed that Jack was coming to his unit at strange times,” he said. “I got a little obsessed to be honest. He came about once a month and only at night. And he always carried this big bag, so I thought he was up to something.”

“That is odd,” she said.

“I don’t know if it was real, but one of the times, he dropped the bag and red stuff came out,” he said. “I was convinced that he was killing people in there.”

“Is that why you asked if we could go in the unit?” she asked.

He’d forgotten he asked her. “Yeah,” he said. “It’s probably nothing though.”

She pressed her lips together, then walked over so she could see the screen. “It wouldn’t hurt to check, though, right?”

“Right.”

She gave him a nod.

That was the permission he needed to click on the security footage. He flipped back to the night Jack dropped the bag. Sure enough, when the bag hit the floor, crimson liquid spilled out of it.

“I’d say that’s pretty suspicious behavior,” she said.

“No kidding.”

She took a step over to the drawer where they kept all the spare keys. They all slide to the front in a jiggling mess as she opened it.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

She pushed the keys aside. “I’m going to investigate.”

“I thought you said we weren’t allowed to,” he said, looking back at the recording on the screen. “The footage…”

“Well, we have just cause,” she said, still searching for the right key. “And besides, if push comes to shove, I know how to get rid of the evidence.” She gave him a wink.

“Wait,” he said.

She stopped and looked up at him, a bit of worry splashing across her features.

He stood and walked over to a different drawer. He pulled it open. The key with the label “223” bounced against the wood. He grabbed it and held it up.

“Here,” he said.

The worry slipped off her face, replaced with a smirk. “Thanks.”

They made their way outside. It was starting to warm up, so the interior units were constantly switching from “heating” to “cooling.” Ralph was glad that he wasn’t the one who had to pay that bill.

The second hallway was just the same as it was on the screen. Lydia led the way to unit 223.

“Here goes nothing,” she said. He wasn’t sure if her underlying tone was excitement or nervousness.

She unlocked the door and slid it open.

Ralph held his breath. Then, he forced himself to look inside.

He expected bloody walls and body parts. Torture devices. Maybe some writing sprawled on the wall about the beast.

Instead, there were canvases. Paintings. It looked like a mini art studio.

“Huh,” she said. “Would you look at that. The bastard’s an artist.”

He walked inside, taking everything in. The art was colorful, much more colorful than he’d expect from Jack. He didn’t know if it was acrylics or oils, but you could see the wide brush strokes as he added periwinkle to the shadows and stark yellows as the highlights.

Most of them were realistic portraits. Ralph recognized them. They were the children on the island. The paintings depicted scenes from their time there: firelight-lit faces hollowed out from eating nothing but fruit.

He picked up one. It was a boy with a chubby, round face. He looked absolutely determined, looking directly at the viewer through glasses. One of the lenses was broken.

Lydia walked up behind him, looking over his shoulder.

“It’s Piggy,” he said.

There was an inhale of air at his neck. She moves to his side, studying the illustration. “He looks sweet.”

“It’s very accurate,” he said. “He must have found a photo.”

“Maybe he has a photo-realistic memory,” she said.

“I hope not,” he said. “Not even Jack deserves to remember the island in full detail.”

Lydia studied the painting for a moment longer. Then, she looked over at a canvas in the corner. “I think that’s you.”

He followed her gaze. There was no color on the white sheet, just light pencil lines. The sketch depicted a young boy. His arms were outstretched, growing bigger as they reached the edge of the canvas. From the way it was positioned, it looked like the boy was strangling the viewer.

It was Ralph, but much younger. He realized that it was a painting of him as he was on the island, but the actions of him a month ago. It was strange to see such an intense look on his own, young face. Was this what Jack saw before he passed out?

“Well, this is disappointing,” she said. “I was expecting a kill room.”

“Me too,” he said.

“We should go before anyone sees us,” she said, walking away. She stopped in the hallway. “You okay?”

Ralph set down the portrait of Piggy and stepped out of the unit. He hesitated in the doorway, taking one last look back into the art studio. He still had questions. Why was Jack painting the island? Why did he only come at night? Why did he keep it a secret?

But those were questions he didn’t need to answer. He gave Lydia a smile. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

### 

Robbi insisted that she only wanted to go to the What’s New Pussycat because it was the “hip, new restaurant,” but they all knew it was because of the fries. To be fair, they were good fries.

“So then I tell him that a strawberry isn’t a vegetable. It’s barely even a fruit! I mean, it has the word ‘berry’ in its _name!_ ” Robbi said.

They all laughed, even Ralph. He didn’t get her brand of humor at first, but it had really grown on him lately. There was just something so entertaining about seeing this little ball of energy explode every two seconds. Besides, even the tiniest giggle from him made Robbi’s face light up like the sun. If he could make someone feel that happy without much effort, who was he to judge?

“So yeah, long story short, I don’t think there’s gonna be a second date,” she continued.

“Aw, but Bernie really seemed like a keeper,” Josh said. He sounded genuinely upset about this, which was annoyingly adorable. Leave it to Josh to be a hopeless romantic.

“I don’t know, any man who thinks that strawberries belong on pizza just isn’t trustworthy,” Lydia said.

“Ditto,” Marco said.

Ralph shrugged. “I don’t see the harm in it.”

Lydia gave me a look of pure horror. “Ralph. They’re _strawberries._ ”

“No, no, Ralphie might have a point,” Robbi said. “I mean, don’t knock it ‘til you try it, right?”

“It could be good,” Josh agreed.

“Fuck it! Second date it is. I gotta try this strawberry pizza,” Robbi said. She raised her margarita high in the air.

Josh held up his glass in response. “Yay!”

Caught up in the energy, they all raised their drinks, cheering as they clinked their drinks together. They took swings.

“I can’t believe we just toasted over strawberry pizza,” Lydia said.

“It’s the little victories,” Ralph said.

Their conversation continued like that for a while. It was strange, hanging out with the four of them. Their spirits would rise so much that Ralph would find himself laughing at nothing at all. Just their presence brought a smile to his face.

It was a good feeling.

After a bit, Marco excused himself. He said he was going to the bathroom, but Ralph caught him slipping outside. He wasn’t sure Marco was skipping out more often or if he was just noticing more now.

Ralph stood up, telling the others he was going to check on Marco. Robbi oohed with a little bit of a wink wink, nudge nudge, but he just rolled his eyes with a grin. Then, he walked over, pushing the glass door open. The cool night air hit his face.

Marco stood in the darkness outside the building. He was leaning against the brick, scrolling through something on his phone.

“Hey, you okay?” Ralph asked.

Marco looked up, a bit confused at first. Ralph stepped out of the light and Marco’s face settled into a casual expression. “Oh, hey, Ralph.”

Ralph stood by him. The moon was full tonight, the silver light bouncing off of Marco’s hair and nose. “Sorry if I’m bothering you. I just noticed you leave.”

“Yeah, sometimes I get overwhelmed if there are too many people around,” Marco said. He lowered his phone. “I think you’re the first to notice.”

Ralph nodded. “You did it before. On the mountain.”

“I remember,” Marco said.

Neither of them had acknowledged that conversation until now. Then again, this was probably the first time they’d talked alone in a while.

Marco’s shoulders dropped. “Hey, I’m sorry about not saying something sooner.”

“It’s cool,” Ralph said. “No hard feelings.”

“I just feel like maybe if I said something to Lydia about Jack then…”

He didn’t need to finish his thought.

Ralph watched the moon. The stars were barely visible in the light-saturated city. Still, there were a few that he could point out. “This might sound dumb, but I think that visit to the island was actually really good for me.”

“Really?” Marco raised his eyebrows.

“I know, but I really needed a wake-up call,” Ralph said. “I was seriously fucked up and I couldn’t even see it. I just thought it was normal. I thought that everything was impossible for everyone.”

“It certainly feels that way sometimes.”

“Yeah, well it shouldn’t be,” Ralph said. “I had convinced myself that I was nothing, not even human. But, then I realized that was a really toxic mindset. Especially for the people who cared about me.”

“Damn, you’re making me feel bad about not getting therapy,” Marco said.

“I mean, it’s not for everyone,” Ralph said. “But it helps sometimes.”

“Sounds like it helped you.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like everything is perfect now,” Ralph said. “There are still nights where I get home and it feels like nothing’s changed at all. I can’t even explain it. It’s like all the sudden everything sucks. It feels like everything is always going to suck.

“But, it used to be like that all the time. I accepted it. I thought that even if I reached out, no one would want to listen. No one would care. Which was dumb, because now I realize that people care so much more than I thought they did. Not just about me, I mean, it’s honestly amazing how much humans are capable of caring about things.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty epic,” Marco said with a bit of a sad chuckle. He looked over at Ralph. “For what it’s worth, you seem pretty human to me.”

“Thanks,” Ralph said. “You too.”

“I guess we ended up being something after all,” Marco said. He smiled. “I gotta say, it’s a lot better than nothing.”

They stood there for a bit longer, just staring at the moon. It really was nice tonight.

### 

It was almost midnight by the time they got back. Josh got an apartment nearby, so Lydia always drove him back with them.

Tonight, they were walking back to their apartment. Josh stopped right outside. This is where he normally said his goodbyes before insisting that he walked the rest of the way home alone.

But, instead of a farewell, he asked, “Hey, Ralph? Can I talk to you for a bit?”

“Okay?” Ralph gave him a confused look.

Lydia suddenly became very interested in the box of leftovers she held. “Oh, I’ll just take this inside. You can come up whenever.”

She sprinted up the stairs, but Ralph saw the thumbs up she sneaked to Josh before going in.

Ralph faced Josh. “So…”

“Um, I wrote another letter for this, but, then I realized that was kinda dumb so, I’m just gonna go for it,” Josh said. “We’ve been really close for a while now. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yeah, we have,” Ralph said. He didn’t really know where this was going.

“And, well, you know I really care about you,” Josh said. He started to put his hands in his pockets but caught himself. He shoved his arms behind his back. “I mean, we all care about you. You’re just very important to me.”

“Thank you,” Ralph said. “You’re important to me too.”

“Did you want to go on a date sometime?” Josh blurted out.

Ralph’s jaw loosened, the words taking a moment to register in his mind. He fought the urge to look away, meeting Josh’s eyes through those big, bulky glasses. Instead, he met Josh’s eyes with a smile. “I’d love to.”

Josh looked like he could die happy now, but Ralph wasn’t about to let that happen any time soon.

Both of his feet were pointed at Josh and there wasn't a horse around for miles. “Do you want to come inside?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, the fic is finished. It's kind of embarrassing to say, but when I initially finished writing this, I actually cried. I'm not sure if I was crying because it was 1 am and I had written 8k words that day or if I was just that moved by the story, but still. I'm going to post one more "chapter" that's just a big long author's note next week, so I'll save my thoughts for that.


	11. Afterword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An afterword to compile my thoughts on this piece.

I initially started this fanfic right after finishing LOTF. I needed to know what happened afterward. I found a couple of fics that explored this idea, but not enough to satisfy my tastes. I thought it was unreasonable for the kids to immediately fall in love and reconnect after the island. I mean, that whole thing was traumatic as shit, there’s no way it wouldn’t take a toll on their mental health.

So, I told my sibling, “I can’t find a good 10 years later fic. I’m gonna write my own” as a joke. I’ve never been able to finish a fanfic before. But, after saying it, I sat down and started to write. A week later, I had 30k words on my hands. My first completed fanfic.

It was originally going to be a lot darker than this. Originally, this was a Jalph fic where Jack was just as fucked up as Ralph. He was going to be sacrificing pigs to the Beast in that storage unit (the boy with a birthmark was always a red herring). Ralph was going to discover this and confront Jack, which was going to lead to some hot hate smut.

But, as I was discussing the moral implications of the story with my sibling, we came to the conclusion that there was too much abuse between Ralph and Jack to justify shipping them. No hate to the Jalph shippers, I know a lot of y’all just like the character dynamic. It’s a great character dynamic, but in this sort of story where I try to really explore Ralph’s trauma, it’s not a healthy ship. Which is why I introduced the character of Josh. He was supposed to be a sort of Piggy stand-in, but I feel like I could have done more with his character. He’s just a mashup of all the guys I knew in college that had a crush on me but I was too gay to like them back. Shipping Ralph and Josh is like, “hey what would have happened with those guys if I was a straight girl?”

Lydia was my favorite character in this by far. She started out as a stereotypical Instagram girl, but as soon as I decided she was a lesbian, she became a self-insert. Writing her with a secret crush on her best friend, Robbi, helped me get over some unresolved emotions in my own life. Honestly, this whole piece was very personal and therapeutic. I’ve been the cousin who let my family crash on my couch after being kicked out of college. It was easy to get into Lydia’s POV.

My biggest grievance with this piece is its portrayal of mental illness. To be honest, it’s not great, bordering on problematic. It kinda paints schizophrenic people as dangerous, like they’re prone to attacking people when off their meds. This is not at all what most schizophrenic people are like. I feel the need to put this here because of my poor portrayal. Normally, I’d never write such a thing, but I feel a sort of barrier between this story and my more “professional” stories that allowed me to explore this idea.

When I wrote this two months ago, I knew something was wrong with me mentally. I didn’t think it was schizophrenia, but I knew something was off. I ended up using Ralph to vent my own frustrations with my inability to do simple things. My paranoia, the “voices” in my head, it all went into Ralph. The last chapter was me romanticizing the idea of having a real diagnosis and people who cared about me enough to help me get better.

Now, I have a diagnosis: bipolar disorder. It doesn’t feel any better. I’ve been on meds for two weeks now and everything still kinda sucks. I hope it works. Rereading the last chapter feels a bit hollow. But it’s still sweet. A nice fantasy.

Sorry to get so depressing. Things are a little depressing right now with the quarantine and my college graduation being canceled. I guess I ended up more a Marco and less a Ralph.

Speaking of Marco, he turned out to be my most unexpected character to like. He started out as just “Lydia’s friend that I kept changing the name of” but by the end, I almost shipped him with Ralph. I feel like there’s something very relatable about Marco’s quiet suffering. Originally, he was supposed to have a crush on Lydia (the straight guy falls for the lesbian and the lesbian falls for the straight girl, how poetic). You can really read Marco’s monologue any way you like though. Maybe it’s about Lydia. Maybe not. Honestly, it’s been so long I forgot what he was actually talking about.

As for my exclusion of the other characters in LOTF (Roger, the twins, etc.), I felt that their inclusion wouldn’t give the realistic feel I was going for. I considered having Jack invite the twins to the island, but I couldn’t think of a compelling reason for them to have been convinced. In the end, this was Ralph’s story. Anything else would have been too much.

Well, I think those are all my thoughts on the matter. With this, I officially declare the fic done. I think this is some of my favorite writing of mine. If I can figure out a way to un-problematize the portrayal of mental illness, I might try to rework this to publish. Who knows.

Thanks for reading.


End file.
